Bring on 32

Thirty-two. Sounds so adult, doesn't it? I sure don't feel like an adult. Don't look much like one either I am told. Don't worry; I'm not sinking into a birthday depression. Actually I'm very ready for this year to be over. Thirty-one hasn't been such a stellar year. It was just weeks after turning 31 that we first heard big scary words used as possible explanations for the boy's quirks. Then we had drama with Clay's family - drama that hit hard and rocked our world in unexpected ways. The summer was full of figuring out how to walk new roads while trying to figure out what was really going on with our son. Things seemed to be settling down a bit after our much-needed vacation, the boy's all-important Child Study Center appointment saying he didn't fall on the autism spectrum, and as I got further into counseling. Then, BAM! My folks separated and divorced in a matter of months. All to be topped off with another personal trial and Clay finding himself unemployed April 1st. (Nice non-April Fool's joke, right?) Don't you wish you'd had my life over the past year? Yeah, me neither most days.

So bring on 32. Surely it has to be better, right? We said the same thing as we rang in 2009, but quickly learned that 2009 held it's own tough, unique challenges. I began to realize not long into 2009 that all this "fun" seemed to ramp up in May 2008 so I began looking forward to starting fresh on my birthday. We still find ourselves dealing with the ripple effects of all the drama of the past year and are still waiting to see where God takes us from this point; but tomorrow is a chance for a fresh start.

At least, that's how I'm viewing it.

As I think back to May 1, 2008, I hardly recognize the woman I was. I have grown immensely this year. Carrying baby #3 helps that a bit; but seriously, I do not approach life the way I did last spring. It's hard to capture in words the changes I feel and the changes others have noticed, but I guess I really am more of an adult than I was last year. Life's drama (mine or others') does not rock me as it once did. While I still ache over my often-weak faith, I know I am stronger and more dependent upon God than I have ever been in my life. I am more open, honest, and transparent with Him, my husband, my family and friends than I have ever been before. I have established healthy boundaries in many areas of my life that free me to live as God desires me to live.

And yet so much room for growth remains.

I long to spend less time in the valley this next year, but I am thankful for where He has brought me through this year's hardships. Even if that's where my path continues, I will be thankful that He will be with me each step of the way and that I will be all the better for it on the other side.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-3

"These (trials) have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." 1 Peter 1:7

So come on 32... I'm ready for you.

Hangin' round the house

Saturday night we had a great night at home. The boys grilled some steaks (I got a GREAT deal), venison tenderloin, and deer burgers. We've eaten well this week! Clay took the time to teach the boy the fine art of grilling, and the boy was in hog heaven! The girl relaxed in her swing enjoying the show. I took a moment to capture a picture with the boy - and it's evidence that I do have a growing belly. He was too interested in the grill to look at the camera, but I'll take what I can get.
Sunday afternoon the girl apparently thought the living room needed some tidying...so she got her vacuum out and got to work. I had to capture her moving the table and chairs and getting all the crevices along the wall (as I had done the day before). It was a little scary to see myself in action. She even put everything back in its place when she was done - that's my girl! She doesn't let her small stature stop her from what she's determined to do. I can just hear her saying, "Clean Mommy" when I asked her what she was doing (the picture of her face).

Spring Sing

The boy's preschool had their annual Spring Sing tonight. We had the joy of having most everyone join us for this fun event - Pop, Grannylou, Aunt Kristi, Kadyn and Dylan all took time to see why the boy loves his school so much. Spring Sing starts with a short program (about 30 minutes) where each age group sings followed by open house in the classrooms, refreshments, and the ability to play on the playground. Last year, the boy was frightened of being on stage - when he did stay on the stage (with me VERY nearby), he cried. This year we had a whole different story. He was so excited while the 4-year-olds were singing that he was practicing his song and kept telling his teacher he needed to sing. He wasn't even phased when he saw us from the stage. He sang loud and put all his energy into the motions. We are so proud! He has really grown up this year. He enjoyed taking everyone to his classroom, showing off his art work and introducing his friends. All the kids enjoyed the playground on the beautifully warm night. What a blessing WCP has been for the boy and for us...what a blessing to share it with family tonight...and now with all of you...

To keep the blog shorter, I posted the pictures small and right next to each other. Simply double click on them to see them larger. Here is a rundown of what you see - The girl and her friend ready to watch their brothers perform * So excited to finally have his turn on stage * "Hi Mom!!" * Excited to Sing * Singing * Clay and the girl watching intently (she was so captivated by it all) * Pop with all 4 grandkids * Grannylou (or Goo per the girl) with grandkids * Pop helped the girl with her cookie and juice - she greatly enjoyed being pampered * Kadyn & Dylan enjoying some of the activities * a family photo



Here are a few videos to enjoy... This is "The Hug Bug"...The words to the chorus are: The hug bug, the hug bug, you never know where's it's hiding. The hug bug, the hug bug, watch out! It's gonna hug you!



The next 2 videos are of the Chicken Dance. I couldn't choose just one to post! He REALLY got into this!!!

Sweet Jesus

We were introduced to a new song Sunday morning. It is simple. It is truth. I'm clinging to the first two lines as we walk this uncertain road. The reminder of what He has done for us and the promise of His return give me strength to hold my head high. It's not on playlist.com yet so I can't add it to my blog, but here are the words.


"Mystery" by Charlie Hall, 2008 (from The Bright Sadness CD)

Sweet Jesus Christ my clarity
Sweet Jesus Christ my sanity

Bread of heaven broken for me
Cup of salvation held up to drink
Jesus the mystery

Christ has died,
Christ is risen,
and Christ will come again.

Easter 2009

While their clothes aren't new (the boy is in hand-me-downs & borrowed clothes; the girl is in a dress she wore a lot last summer that still fits), I still took the traditional Easter morning pictures. I did catch a few good shots - as well as some where they hammed it up.

The kids were thrilled to see Pop this morning at church where we enjoyed worshipping our risen Lord. We headed home for an amazing brunch cooked by Clay and Pop (scrambled eggs, bacon, biscuits, and Pop's famous white gravy - YUM!)...and Clay even most of the clean up! The kids enjoyed playing with Pop - and now it's time for a good old Sunday afternoon nap before joining some friends for Easter dinner.

We pray your Easter has been filled with joy, loved ones, and mostly worship of the gift Christ gave.

Easter Egg Hunts

We've had 2 Easter egg hunts this week - Thursday at the boy's school and today at church. The boy didn't quite get into filling his egg carton at school (their great way to make sure all the kids get the same number of eggs) - his friend, Hannah, filled most of it for him. He did enjoy their party afterward though! I was also able to snatch a picture of him and his best bud at school.











Today was a much greater success. Both kids enjoyed putting eggs in their baskets (provided a couple of years ago by Mimi). They enjoyed a little bit of candy too before we headed home to rest. The girl is currently sleeping with her basket and a few eggs (minus candy), and the boy is really mad that we took the candy away and simply gave him empty eggs. He is ready for rest time to be over so he can have some more!

These last two are of the boy and his best gal pal - and our girl didn't want to be left out...

A little Willie

Clay is making sure the kids learn to love his taste in music as well - particularly Willie Nelson (he doesn't even rank on my enjoyable artists list). Here's a snippet of the girl making her daddy proud...

Listening, believing, and surrendering

God has had me on an intense journey for about a year now. There have been times of crisis, times of victory, times of pain, times of joy, and times of waiting all with the purpose of calling me deeper. I've had pinnacle moments throughout the journey - those moments that seem to mark a revelation or a change or a renewed commitment to follow Him deeper. Today was another one of those moments. God revealed a little more of Himself to me and gave me a glimpse of where our path goes from here - deeper into Him. Two songs rang in my head putting lyrics and music to what my heart was crying out. They are older songs with wonderful messages - fresh messages for where I am today. I've added both to my playlist below so you may enjoy them... "Voice of Truth" sung by Casting Crowns and "Completely" sung by Ana Laura. Will you listen, believe, and surrender with me?
***********************************************************

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves.
To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is.
And He's holding out His hand.

But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me.
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed.
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again, 'Boy, you'll never win!'
"You'll never win."

But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says do not be afraid
And the Voice of Truth says this is for My glory
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a sling and a stone.
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand.

But the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed.
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again, 'Boy, you'll never win!'
"You'll never win."

But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says do not be afraid
And the Voice of Truth says this is for My glory
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth

But the stone was just the right size to put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high from on top of them looking down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus singing over me

But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says do not be afraid
And the Voice of Truth says this is for My glory
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth
I will listen and believe
I will listen and believe the Voice of Truth
I will listen and believe
'Cuz Jesus You are the Voice of Truth
And I will listen to You

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The secret of life is letting go
The secret of love is letting it show
In all that I do
In all that I say
Right here in this moment

The power of prayer is in a humble cry
The power of change is in giving my life
And laying it down
Down at Your feet
Right here in this moment

Take my heart
Take my soul
I surrender everything to Your control
And let all that is within me
Lift up to You and say,
"I am Yours and Yours alone completely"

This journey of life is a search for truth
This journey of faith is following You
Every step of the way
Through the joy and the pain
Right here in this moment

Take my heart
Take my soul
I surrender everything to Your control
And let all that is within me
Lift up to You and say,
"I am Yours and Yours alone completely"

Right here, right now
And for the rest of my life
Hear me say:
Take my heart
Take my soul
I surrender everything to Your control
And let all that is within me
Lift up to You and say,
"I am Yours and Yours alone completely"
"I am Yours and Yours alone completely"

Friends

Is this not adorable? The kids love when Ms. Abby gets to watch them while I have things to do. They have been known to ask to go to her house at any random moment. All the boy could talk about today was driving the pink jeep. Abby caught this adorable picture of our two youngest sharing some giggles. It reminds me of me and her mama. I have been immensely blessed with some amazing friendships in this city. I can only pray that my girls will have the joy of experiencing the same thing throughout their life.

No more Tuesdays

This afternoon the boy and I said good-bye to two precious ladies that have been a big part of our life for the last 8 months...Gwen and Taylor. They have been the boy's occupational therapists helping him with various skills (gross motor, fine motor) and his sensory issues. We first met with Gwen until Taylor joined their team. The boy transitioned easily from one to other and LOVED going to see them each Tuesday after school. We owe these ladies a lot - our boy has come so far in these last 8 months.

Gwen

Taylor

I lift up my eyes to the hills - where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip - he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you - the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm - he will watch over your life;
The Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forever more.

Psalm 121



Lord, may you answer me when I am in distress; may your name, O God of Jacob, protect me. Send me help from the sanctuary and grant me support from Zion. Remember all my sacrifices and accept my burnt offerings. "Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God. They are brought to their knees and fall, but we rise up and stand firm. "

Psalm 20:7-8 (verses 1-3 adapted as a personal prayer in italics)

Putting it in action

No less than 24 hours after reaching the mountain peak yesterday, I was handed the opportunity to put my words into action. Will I really trust Him no matter where He takes me from here? Will I really welcome the shadows, dark clouds, or deep forest? Will I lean on Him instead of my own abilities to maneuver the steep, rocky places? Oh how I hope He finds me faithful on the journey.

Our God is big. Our God is faithful. Our God is no less God today than He was yesterday.

I just would have preferred to remain on the mountain peak a little bit longer.

To God be the glory

"...being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

I've been on a journey, and today I stand on a mountain peak. The air is crisp and my soul is able to breathe in the sights around me. I look back over the journey God asked to me to join Him on, seeing the larger picture for the first time, and recognize that it is ONLY by His hand that I am able to stand where I stand today. Those dark moments when I felt I couldn't breathe are now merely small shadows surrounded by His light. The rock walls that left bodily scars reveal the presence of His hand protecting me from falling. I swell with pride because this terrain leaves no room to think I had anything to do with where I am today. He chose the path, led the way, and He never left me alone.

I look ahead to the unknown journey before me noticing that some parts of the path are rocky and steep while other parts wind through calm meadows. Some parts are lit brightly by the sun while other parts are hidden in the shadows or deep forest. I do not know all that the road ahead holds, but I know that I will walk it differently after standing on this mountain peak today. I am stronger, I am more trusting, and it is not the result of anything I have done. It is all because of His grace and for His glory.

He who began a good work in me WILL be faithful to complete it...REGARDLESS what comes.

Pink continues to invade our home...

It's a GIRL!!!!

She's healthy & beautiful... we are so very blessed.

None but Jesus

In the quiet, in the stillness
I know that You are God
In the secret of Your presence
I know there I am restored

When You call I won't refuse
Each new day again I'll choose

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

In the chaos, in confusion
I know You're Sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will

When You call I won't delay
This my song through all my days

All my delight is in You Lord
All of my hope, all of my strength
All my delight is in You Lord Forevermore

(None but Jesus by Hillsong United)

Authenticity please

I just read an awesome blog post on Baby Bangs about being real. (Click on Baby Bangs to read it.) Amanda speaks such truth here - a truth I have been learning since high school - we need to be real with each other. Before I go any further, I must confess that I am still guilty of pulling my mask out of the closet on various days. I'm better than I used to be, but sometimes it just seems easier.

I remember the first time I was really real with my youth group - it was summer 1993 during Centrifuge at Glorieta. Thanks to Dad's job, I'd already been there for 3 weeks. My youth group came the week I was supposed to be headed home. I stayed and got to do 'Fuge the "normal" way. God really got a hold of me that week. At the beginning of the week I found myself very low (a bit surprising since I'd been doing Christian camp for 3 straight weeks - that usually provides such a "high"). At the end of my sophomore year I had been deeply hurt by some friends, and trying to make friends at camp just magnified everything I was already feeling. I was at a point where I felt no one cared about me. I felt completely worthless. My spiritual mentor, Doug, came to me at the end of the first night and shared that he could tell something way wrong. He said he was praying for me and that he loved me. It wasn't enough to break through the pain. I basically gave God one day to prove I was worth anything to Him. I didn't have a plan if He didn't come through, but I recall feeling like no one would notice if I left campus to start a new life in Santa Fe (give me a slight break, I was only 16). Sure enough, God came through in a BIG way the next day. He spoke directly to my heart through many avenues so I could not shrug any of it off as mere coincidence. I finally got how much God loved me and cared for me. I saw my beauty because I was created in His image - and that HE crafted me with His own hands with this mix of personality, strengths and weaknesses all for His glory. A few days later I shared my story with my youth minister, and he asked me to share it during devotion that night. I was nervous to be so honest, but I also knew I needed to be real. I was amazed at the response I got. So many sharing that they never thought I struggled and I always seemed to have it all together. Little did they know the truth... To think back now about the pain and loneliness that might have been avoided if I'd spoken up sooner... and if only I had truly learned my lesson about being authentic at that young age.

I've thought a lot about authenticity over the last 6-8 months. Through some life situations, I found myself in counseling dealing with a lot of the muck I'd allowed to take root in my life. (Wow - big step for me to admit that in such a public way - I hate not being able to take care of something myself, but I'm learning to be honest about when I need some help!) We began to dig past the surface to what was really in my foundation, and I was surprised by a lot of what I found there. With God's help, I got real with myself and Him. We've done a lot of tilling, weeding, pruning, and replanting in the garden of my heart and soul. As I've become more authentic with myself, I think I've become more authentic with those around me. It is a fine line to walk - I desire to be honest about my struggles, but there are some things that aren't for public knowledge. There is a gracious way to share that life isn't perfect without divulging too much information (in some situations, I'm still learning about that gracious way). I tell you, being real has been so freeing for me, and I've seen the blessings poured out on my relationships too.

I've learned in various ways lately that when we are honest about our struggles, we find we are not alone. As Amanda writes, it allows us to be encouraged by others who've been there before and come out on the other side. It allows us to minister to each other. It allows us to let ourselves off the hook because we aren't comparing ourselves to some perceived perfection in another person. We all have our junk. We all have our pet sins. We are all selfish and often self-righteous.

And we all need the same grace from the Savior.

Movin' on up

The girl moved in to her big girl bed today. We (Clay) finally finished the painting project and assembled it this morning. She was SO excited! She even said she wanted to skip lunch and just take a nap. That didn't last as she got up to play and then was sad to learn she was gated in the room. She never did sleep this afternoon, but I think that was to our benefit tonight. She was excited at first, but quickly got sad. We talked to her a bit, took away the pillow, and gave her the pacifiers. She was out shortly thereafter - even snoring! Hopefully the rest of the night will go smoothly too. We'll work on saying goodbye to the pacis after she's a little more secure in her new spot.

I'll try to grab a picture another night of all her "friends" that sleep with her - the pink monkey, Buster, 2 small plush baby dolls, a bigger baby, 4 bottles, a burp cloth (aka baby's blanket), 2 blankets (in addition to the one in the pictures) and 4 pacifiers. There's hardly any room for her!


(Pardon the green pillow case. I realized today I hadn't ever bought a matching one, and so we had a choice of green or blue. We thought she'd want a pillow like her brother, but we were wrong... so now it's no big deal!)