Bring on 32

Thirty-two. Sounds so adult, doesn't it? I sure don't feel like an adult. Don't look much like one either I am told. Don't worry; I'm not sinking into a birthday depression. Actually I'm very ready for this year to be over. Thirty-one hasn't been such a stellar year. It was just weeks after turning 31 that we first heard big scary words used as possible explanations for the boy's quirks. Then we had drama with Clay's family - drama that hit hard and rocked our world in unexpected ways. The summer was full of figuring out how to walk new roads while trying to figure out what was really going on with our son. Things seemed to be settling down a bit after our much-needed vacation, the boy's all-important Child Study Center appointment saying he didn't fall on the autism spectrum, and as I got further into counseling. Then, BAM! My folks separated and divorced in a matter of months. All to be topped off with another personal trial and Clay finding himself unemployed April 1st. (Nice non-April Fool's joke, right?) Don't you wish you'd had my life over the past year? Yeah, me neither most days.

So bring on 32. Surely it has to be better, right? We said the same thing as we rang in 2009, but quickly learned that 2009 held it's own tough, unique challenges. I began to realize not long into 2009 that all this "fun" seemed to ramp up in May 2008 so I began looking forward to starting fresh on my birthday. We still find ourselves dealing with the ripple effects of all the drama of the past year and are still waiting to see where God takes us from this point; but tomorrow is a chance for a fresh start.

At least, that's how I'm viewing it.

As I think back to May 1, 2008, I hardly recognize the woman I was. I have grown immensely this year. Carrying baby #3 helps that a bit; but seriously, I do not approach life the way I did last spring. It's hard to capture in words the changes I feel and the changes others have noticed, but I guess I really am more of an adult than I was last year. Life's drama (mine or others') does not rock me as it once did. While I still ache over my often-weak faith, I know I am stronger and more dependent upon God than I have ever been in my life. I am more open, honest, and transparent with Him, my husband, my family and friends than I have ever been before. I have established healthy boundaries in many areas of my life that free me to live as God desires me to live.

And yet so much room for growth remains.

I long to spend less time in the valley this next year, but I am thankful for where He has brought me through this year's hardships. Even if that's where my path continues, I will be thankful that He will be with me each step of the way and that I will be all the better for it on the other side.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-3

"These (trials) have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." 1 Peter 1:7

So come on 32... I'm ready for you.