Authenticity please

I just read an awesome blog post on Baby Bangs about being real. (Click on Baby Bangs to read it.) Amanda speaks such truth here - a truth I have been learning since high school - we need to be real with each other. Before I go any further, I must confess that I am still guilty of pulling my mask out of the closet on various days. I'm better than I used to be, but sometimes it just seems easier.

I remember the first time I was really real with my youth group - it was summer 1993 during Centrifuge at Glorieta. Thanks to Dad's job, I'd already been there for 3 weeks. My youth group came the week I was supposed to be headed home. I stayed and got to do 'Fuge the "normal" way. God really got a hold of me that week. At the beginning of the week I found myself very low (a bit surprising since I'd been doing Christian camp for 3 straight weeks - that usually provides such a "high"). At the end of my sophomore year I had been deeply hurt by some friends, and trying to make friends at camp just magnified everything I was already feeling. I was at a point where I felt no one cared about me. I felt completely worthless. My spiritual mentor, Doug, came to me at the end of the first night and shared that he could tell something way wrong. He said he was praying for me and that he loved me. It wasn't enough to break through the pain. I basically gave God one day to prove I was worth anything to Him. I didn't have a plan if He didn't come through, but I recall feeling like no one would notice if I left campus to start a new life in Santa Fe (give me a slight break, I was only 16). Sure enough, God came through in a BIG way the next day. He spoke directly to my heart through many avenues so I could not shrug any of it off as mere coincidence. I finally got how much God loved me and cared for me. I saw my beauty because I was created in His image - and that HE crafted me with His own hands with this mix of personality, strengths and weaknesses all for His glory. A few days later I shared my story with my youth minister, and he asked me to share it during devotion that night. I was nervous to be so honest, but I also knew I needed to be real. I was amazed at the response I got. So many sharing that they never thought I struggled and I always seemed to have it all together. Little did they know the truth... To think back now about the pain and loneliness that might have been avoided if I'd spoken up sooner... and if only I had truly learned my lesson about being authentic at that young age.

I've thought a lot about authenticity over the last 6-8 months. Through some life situations, I found myself in counseling dealing with a lot of the muck I'd allowed to take root in my life. (Wow - big step for me to admit that in such a public way - I hate not being able to take care of something myself, but I'm learning to be honest about when I need some help!) We began to dig past the surface to what was really in my foundation, and I was surprised by a lot of what I found there. With God's help, I got real with myself and Him. We've done a lot of tilling, weeding, pruning, and replanting in the garden of my heart and soul. As I've become more authentic with myself, I think I've become more authentic with those around me. It is a fine line to walk - I desire to be honest about my struggles, but there are some things that aren't for public knowledge. There is a gracious way to share that life isn't perfect without divulging too much information (in some situations, I'm still learning about that gracious way). I tell you, being real has been so freeing for me, and I've seen the blessings poured out on my relationships too.

I've learned in various ways lately that when we are honest about our struggles, we find we are not alone. As Amanda writes, it allows us to be encouraged by others who've been there before and come out on the other side. It allows us to minister to each other. It allows us to let ourselves off the hook because we aren't comparing ourselves to some perceived perfection in another person. We all have our junk. We all have our pet sins. We are all selfish and often self-righteous.

And we all need the same grace from the Savior.