Musings

It's been a good day. It started earlier than I desired, but they pretty much all do these days. I got busy after getting the kids settled with breakfast. I don't know why I don't do that more often; it always makes me feel better about the day. Grannylou came over to play with the kids while I helped at our church's health fair (Clay was mowing yards with my dad), but I wasn't gone all that long. I hadn't volunteered for a particular area because I didn't know for sure I would have childcare, and they didn't need my help. The kids ate lunch and then we all rested - what a nice Saturday treat! I worked a little more on cleaning out the girls' closet to get ready for our new arrival before we headed to swim with friends. It was fun watching our kids enjoy the water. The girl has become quite the fish (thanks to Aunt Claire coaxing her into the water last weekend), and she spent a lot of the time jumping in to her daddy. The boy split time jumping in (finally doing it without holding someone's hand) and swimming around. It's a good thing they love the water since it's so hot here - heat index today was 108!!! We headed back to our friends' home for dinner and more water time in their kiddie pool. Others joined us for a grand ol' time. Now the kids are in bed, Clay is back out hanging with some guys, and I'm enjoying the quiet.

I've reached that point in pregnancy that I'm ready to meet this little gal (M). Clay and I had a special moment last night as she became quite active once I laid down. Her movements are so different than the boy (J) and the girl (E). They seem to be calmer, more of a sweeping motion than a kick or punch. I sat in church last week with my arms laid across the top of my belly; and for about 5 minutes she just ran some appendage back and forth across my arm. I love that connection. It is my favorite part of pregnancy, and this time I find myself more sentimental about it. Perhaps because it's been a couple of years or perhaps because I know this could be my last time to experience this joy. I do not desire to rush her coming. I long for her to be healthy, but I'm ready for it to be late July knowing her arrival could be at any time. I'm ready to hold her, study her, nurse her, cuddle her, and just have her in my arms. There is much to do between now and then - celebrate J's 4th birthday, celebrate the 4th of July, celebrate my niece's 9th birthday, celebrate Lauren's 3rd birthday, clean out closets, wash baby clothes, get out all the baby equipment, help Clay as he begins his new career, and simply enjoy the summer. I do not wish to rush through these events, but I am so anxious to hold my littlest gal. I wonder if these feelings aren't intensified by the number of people I know that haven't had that joy in the last year or two. They were expecting joyful bundles, but for one reason or another those bundles never breathed their first breath or they breathed far too few for one little life. I've found it interesting that I've worried more about this child than I did my other two. I would have thought I would have been a wreck when I was pregnant with J, but I wasn't. In my naivety, I couldn't fathom God asking to me to walk that road after waiting so long for a child (but I know those whom He has asked to walk such a road). I was so in shock about being pregnant with E that I don't think I thought about losing her, but this time is different. I was so thankful for our 20 week sonogram that showed M healthy and growing right on schedule. I am thankful for every movement that reminds me she is still with us. I treasure hearing her heartbeat unlike I did with the other two. I seem to be more aware of the preciousness of the gifts God has given me this time around.

I am just so ready to meet her.

I love her already... 8 weeks and counting... I know having three kids ages 4 and under will be insanity at times, but I am ready. I am ready for our family to be all together. I am ready for the challenges, the joys, the tears, and the laughter. My heart overflows that I am getting to walk this road all over again...

So proud

**Update: He passed tonight's test with flying colors!**

Have I mentioned how proud I am of my husband these days? I'm always proud, but it's cranked up a few notches over the last weeks. He's studying like a fiend. (I'm not sure I saw him put this much effort into his classes in college.) He's not content just to pass the test; he desires to blow it out of the water. He did so last week...and I have no doubt it will be a repeat tomorrow night. Then it's just waiting on paperwork to get finalized before he is officially a Farmers Insurance Agent.

Not only is he embarking on a new career, he's been doing odd and end jobs to help stretch our savings. He's been mowing yards with my dad, built a wall display for our church, and working with a guy who cuts downs & trims trees. No job is below him as long as it helps provide for his family. Not all guys are like that.

He's a gem...and he's my partner in this journey of life.

I am one blessed woman.

Calloused knees

I thought they would go away with more moisturizing. I was wrong.

I thought more time in the sun would help them darken. I was still wrong.

My knees (specifically the knee caps) are rough and possibly permanently calloused. I am not overly excited about this - especially since 90+ degree temps and pregnancy demand shorts be worn.

Then I had a revelation.

My knees are calloused because I spend a lot of time on the floor with my children. Guess it could be added to list of "honorable badges of motherhood" along with stretch marks, baby bangs, and more.

Then God reminded me that even more important than being on the floor with my children is being on my knees FOR my children in prayer.

Now those callouses are well worth having...

So random

It's 1:51 a.m. and I can't sleep. I'm sitting in the pitch black, minus the glow of the laptop, next to my comatose husband (good thing since he has to leave in 5 hours) trying to tire myself into sleep. I'm guessing the 2 hour nap I took today wasn't the best idea - but it sure felt good. I've tried my usual tricks, and nothing has worked. My mind can't stop and that is a dangerous thing for me - especially when the lights go out. I am thankful that the thinking isn't producing chest-gripping fear, but there are definitely plenty of unknowns for my vivid imagination to explore. Tonight it's been mostly about the details of finances as we find ourselves 2 months since the last official paycheck and embarking on a new career journey. Throw in the fact that I am 31 weeks pregnant today and that'll really stir up the waters. My God is big and supplies all our needs - man I wish I could rest in that every moment of every day. I hate it when my flesh takes over. I am much less of a control freak than I used to be...these last 2 months have looked nothing like 8 years ago when Clay found himself without a job (and we had the "security" of my full-time job and no kids at that time). I was a wreck thanks to such infantile faith. I'm thankful I've grown; but mercy, I would think I wouldn't question a thing after all my God has done for us and others I know. O Lord, help me in my unbelief!

I should so be sleeping right now. The kids will probably wake up in 5-6 hours...we'll attempt more pictures with Aunt Claire before she hits the road...and then I'm on my own with them after a very full and fun weekend. They've been staying up late, playing hard, and had the undivided attention of their aunt who loves them immensely. It's been a good weekend.

Did I mention our newest addition will arrive in like 9 weeks? If this one is like the last one, it's more like 7. THAT'S INSANE!

I-N-S-A-N-E!!!!

The first trimester seemed to drag along as we kept our mouths shut waiting until Christmas to tell family and friends. Then it seems like I blinked and we were in the 3rd trimester. I'm ready to meet her. It hit home when we visited some dear friends in the hospital after they welcomed their second daughter into the world. I am ready for those little toes...the tiny cries...the ball she will be in the first weeks before she realizes she can stretch out. I'm ready to see what she looks like and what her personality will be. I'm ready for the sweet moments in the middle of the night when everyone else is asleep. I'm ready to watch the girl be a big sister (she's already such a little mama) and capture pictures of the boy and girl holding their new sister. We don't have any pictures of the boy holding the girl...he was too young to understand or care about her really. This time will be totally different. (And I guess I'll have to figure out new things to call them on the blog since there will be 2 girls.) I am ready...but obviously want her to wait until at least July 19th when I'm 37 weeks. And there is so much to be done around here...cleaning out the boy's closet so I can move stuff from the girls' closet into it to make room for baby clothes. The baby clothes that are still in boxes in the attic - along with the all the other paraphernalia that will be "needed"! But I will definitely miss feeling her move inside me - that connection that only she and I share. She's been so different than the other two and that has been quite fun. This pregnancy has been tougher in a lot of ways (thanks to a lot of external stress), but I truly do enjoy being pregnant. I enjoy the excitement, the wonder, and the unique connection I have with my child. Sure I would love to skip constantly being hot, swelling feet and hands, the hormones, the heartburn, the joint pain, but it is so worth it. I am still amazed that I've gotten to do this 3 times...and even more amazed that we can even discuss if there will be more (my hubby is eager to continue to add to our brood, but I am a bit more reserved!)!!!! To think that 5 years ago we were starting to see fertility specialists after initial attempts by my OB and other docs proved unsuccessful.

See - my God is BIG and I should so trust Him more than my feeble mind and heart often do.

I couldn't understand all those years ago why He hadn't given us a child, but looking back I see such wisdom in His plan - and that is only from the minute perspective I have. He knows what is best for me, and I long to rest in that continually.

"There is none so high and holy.
King of Kings the One and Only
You are adored
And You are the Lord of all."

Wow - I've been all over the map tonight, but I've just been downloading a lot of what's in the brain (minus some details)...maybe now I can get some sleep...if only my brain had an off button like this computer.

One down, one to go

I'm so proud of my man. Tonight he passed his Property & Casualty Insurance License exam! He is one step closer to beginning his new career as an insurance agent. His dedication to learning this new trade has been inspiring. This week he had 3 days of class (10 hours each day), listened to audio CDs of the material on his way to and from class (it was a nice 45 minute commute), spent hours studying each night after class (and playing with the kids), and spent hours today studying before taking the test tonight. I've always known he's dedicated to providing for our family, but I am awestruck seeing it so tangibly this week.

He repeats the process next week with slightly shorter class hours for his 2nd license - Life, Accident & Health. Once that's done, he will begin his new career. His excitement is contagious. God's confirmation of this path is reassuring. It has been a long road, and we are eager to see what God does through this new adventure.

For tonight, we are off to rest. It's been a long week for all of us.

Disclaimer please

Saw a commercial today that ended with this on the screen:

"Misplacing objects in unusual places - 1 of 10 warning signs of Alzheimers."

Uh, guess I'm in trouble...or else someone needs to add the following disclaimers at the end:

"This may also be a sign of being pregnant or having multiple small children or simply having so much external stress that you are thankful your head is on your shoulders otherwise who knows where you might find it!"

Safety song

This is mainly for Mimi, Grandaddy, Aunt Claire, and Mom (my grandmother)... just a few videos of the kids (mainly the girl) dancing to the "Safety Song" after watching an episode of Clifford.

May fun

This month has held a lot of fun. I've blogged a lot of it, but there is always more. I found a few pictures my mom took on our anniversary and there are pictures of our first trip to the YMCA's water park (we were blessed with a summer membership by a friend who wanted us to be able to play). Then today the kids helped Clay wash the minivan. They loved being outside and being helpers. Enjoy the pictures... they capture the fun better than any words. Here is a rundown of what you will see:

Two pictures before our anniversary celebration**Two dear friends that helped pull off that wonderful night - don't they look beautiful?!**The boy going down the frog slide at the Y**Playing at the water park**Playing with his buddy at the water park**The kids were SO EXCITED to go outside to wash the car. You can just hear them saying, "CHEESE!!!"**The boy telling me what he's going to do**The girl posing again**Two attempts to get a shot of the 3 workers - neither successful**The boy was distracted from his target**The girl takin' a turn**Playing' in the water & actually sharing**Driving!!**Picture of the future, the boy driving and the girl adjusting the air or radio or something!

11 or 77

You pick - 11 weeks or 77 days.

That's the countdown - if she waits until her due date (August 9th).

It could be less...

Someone around here should get busy.

All over the place

I'm finding myself in one of those moods that is hard to describe much less figure out how to best utilize my day. If I allowed my hormones to win, I could feel pretty lonely and disconnected this afternoon. I could also easily crawl into a hole about all that has been going on with life and the remaining uncertainty of so much...all while staring down the barrel of a gun named McKenna, who's arrival is about 11 weeks away at best. There is so much to do around here to get ready for her, and honestly to just reclaim this house. I'm realizing how lazy I have become in the last few years. I claim I'm focusing on my kids, but I waste so much time. It's pathetic. I could wallow in the sorrow for friends who lost their young daughter Thursday after only meeting her 2 weeks prior. I could rejoice with our dear friends who welcomed their 2nd daughter into the world last night. My emotions are all over the place. I am so blessed, but there is so much of life that isn't how I want it to be right now. So I keep plugging through each day trying to remember that there IS eternal significance to what I'm doing (although I had to be reminded today by a dear friend's email). Knowing that falling on my face before God each day is the key to survival, I fight my fleshly selfishness to make that a priority - yet I fail more days than I succeed. And then I look into the eyes of two youngsters curious about their world and realize that there is a lot of life is exactly how I dreamed it would be.

Lovin' me some new songs

If you've read my blog for any length of time, you know how music speaks to me. What a gift when others seem to pen words that echo my heart. I am thankful for those that help lead us to His feet - whether it be weekly in a service, at a special event, or through their recordings. I wanted to share 2 new songs (to me) in hopes they may encourage you or strengthen you.

(I've added both to my player at the bottom so you can enjoy them.)

I heard this first song, "Always" by Building 429, today in the car (I'm still enjoying the satellite radio that came with our van...I really figured the subscription would have expired by now!). I immediately thought of some friends who are watching their young daughter, just 2 weeks old, struggle for life knowing her homegoing is imminent. They have been heavy on my heart as I cannot fathom the road they are walking. I've been asking God to be so big for them and to give them the faith they need to continue to trust Him as they walk this road. I've been praying similar prayers for our family. Regardless where we are and what is happening, our Savior never fails. NEVER. And He is with us always. ALWAYS.

"Always" by Building 429

I was standing in the pouring rain one dark November night
Fighting off the bitter cold when she caught my eye
Her face was taught and her eyes were filled, and to my surprise
She pulled out a photograph and my heart just stopped inside
She said, “He would’ve been three today I miss his smile, I miss his face”
What was I supposed to say, but

I believe always, always
Our Savior never fails
Even when all hope is gone
God knows our pain and his promise remains
He will be with you always

He was living in a broken world, dreaming of a home
His heart was barely keeping pace when I found him all alone
Remembering the way he felt when his daddy said goodbye
Fighting just to keep the tears and the anger locked inside
He’s barely holding onto faith
But deliverance is on its way, cause

I believe always, always
Our Savior never fails
Even when all hope is gone
God knows our pain and his promise remains
He will be with you always

Friend, I don’t know where you are and I don’t know where you’ve been
Maybe you’re fighting for your life or just about to throw the towel in
But if you’re crying out for mercy, if there’s no hope left at all
If you’ve given everything you’ve got and you’re still about to fall
Well hold on, hold on, hold on, cause
I believe always, always
Our savior never fails
Even when all faith is gone
God knows our pain and his promise remains
Always, always, He will be with you always

******************************************
Then there's "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller. I first heard this song in the movie "Fireproof", then was reminded about it by a friend who's father was fighting cancer (but is now cancer free!). I heard it again today on the radio, and was challenged to wait actively instead of just wallowing in the silence. John Waller writes the following about the birth of the song: "The explanation for this song is simple, I was waiting on God and I was hurting when I wrote the lyrics. I probably wouldn’t have written a song if my friend, Mike, hadn’t encouraged me to document what I was going through during that time. I’m sure there are few people who can’t relate to this song, but the important thing to remember while we’re waiting on God is to not just wait but to actively wait. Serve, worship and be faithful with what you have, where you are… “even while (you) wait.”

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I’m waiting
I will serve You
While I’m waiting
I will worship
While I’m waiting
I will not faint
I’ll be running the race
Even while I wait

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it’s not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait

I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting on You, Lord

Renewing our vows

Clay (with the help of dear friends) pulled together a small, intimate vow renewal ceremony for us last night. We had talked about how special that would be, but I was truly blown away by how special he made it. There were so many small touches that made the night special - our wedding photo and album on a table headed into the "chapel" (in the backyard), a bouquet of Calla lillies (the flowers I wanted for our wedding, but didn't get thanks to a lack of rain in South America), and everything in our colors. After the ceremony, we had a sit down reception with some of my favorites - "wedding" cake included! The night concluded watching our wedding video - and everyone enjoying seeing Clay with hair! It was fun to relive our special day with friends we didn't know then...and to hear funny stories from their special day (which happens to be the exact same date...and time!). What a wonderful way to celebrate the road of the last 10 years and to recommit ourselves for this next chapter of our lives.


My man is good.

The table before entering the chapel.

Walking in.

The view from behind the toole.

Saying our vows.

The happy couple - once again!

The traditional groomsmen/bridesmaids shot.
Zack, Paul, Clay, Kaci, Kristina, Abby
(I'm loving that the girls color coordinated without even knowing it!)

Now by couples

The girls

The guys

The "wedding" cake

Cheesy cake eating shot (because Zack made us)

Chuck E. Cheese birthday

Isn't it everyone's dream to spend part of your 10th anniversary at Chuck E. Cheese's? I know it's mine. Five years ago we spent our anniversary night at the hospital waiting on some dear friends to welcome their first child (who took his sweet time to arrive in the wee hours of the 16th). Five years later, we helped him celebrate at one of the kids' favorite places (and this is only the 2nd time they've been)! I can't believe it's been 5 years!

The girl had a skeeball "incident" and that sent her into pout mode for about an hour. I caught it nicely on camera... She finally snapped out of it and smiled for me. "I hear it, Mommy," she says as she watches a train. The boys playing skeeball. Racing...Clay is so proud of this pic! Two pregnant ladies - Krista is due in about 2 weeks. I still have 3 months. Abby and Bethany enjoying a thrill of a ride! Ryan and Chelsea driving. Birthday cake! Chuck E. Cheese came out, and the boy about jumped out of his skin. Check out the look on his face! This is the girl checking out Chuck safely from the booth. She refused to get any closer. Sweet Lauren showing us how much she enjoyed her cake. Yeah, she's stained.

The magic "10"

Ten years ago tomorrow (May 15th) I pledged my life and love to one amazing man. It has been one adventurous ride with amazing highs, deep lows, and a lot in between. I am without words to truly express what it feels to have my best friend by my side and to love him more now than I did that day.

'Til death do us part, baby, I am yours.

Today's realization: I am completely at peace about moving if that is what God has for us - even if it takes us farther from all family.

THAT. IS. HUGE.

It's still not my first choice. Here has a lot of benefits: my birth family, precious friends, amazing church, the boy's school, amazing therapists, doctors I know and love, familiarity, comfort, and much more. Starting over is a bit scary. Finding a new church, new preschool, new friends, new doctors, and new therapists for the boy would be quite a daunting task. I can't even begin to fathom saying good-bye to my family and friends. Moving would be hard; but I realized today after talking about a job possibility which requires moving that I am completely at peace with it.

COMPLETELY.

**Let me clarify after some confusion...we aren't currently to the interview stage with any company that would require moving. Yes, he has been contacted for more information and such, but that is all at this point. We simply had a discussion today about one of those contacts that led me to this realization. I apologize for any acid in the gut or excitement caused by my vagueness. Now, for a smile, make sure to check out the previous post!

Can't wait for my girls to wear this $2.99 find...

An impossible love

I watched a little over half of the movie "Because I Said So" with Diane Keaton, Mandy Moore, and Lauren Graham last night. It's an interesting look at the mother/daughter relationship - a very appropriate choice for this Mother's Day weekend. Let me quote one of the many monologues by the mother (played by Keaton), Daphne:

"I want you to understand something about motherhood, okay? Okay? It is the most impossible love. You tell me when it ends. You tell me when it stops. All I know is it's absolutely fine for me to teach you how to walk and talk. Then you grow up and you head off in the wrong direction toward a cliff; and I'm supposed to just stand there and wave and go, 'Well, kids, good luck. It's Mom. I'm here.' Well, I can't do that. What am I supposed to do, huh? Am I supposed to just put my feet up at the end of the day and say to myself, 'Well, you know, they're on their own and she says she's fine'? Well, you won't be... now I'm just a visitor [in your life] with a limited day pass."

I can honestly say I would not have understood where she was coming from prior to becoming a mother myself. I, like many others I know, can get frustrated when my mother or mother-in-law seems to be too involved or asking too many questions. I have wondered if they realized I (or Clay) was grown up and fully capable of taking care of myself, my husband, and now children. I criticized the mothers of my friends that just couldn't seem to cut those apron strings.

Oh, I am beginning to understand.

Mothers pour their lives into their children. We sacrifice sleep, warm meals, time, and energy to care for these precious gifts God gives. We long to teach them to be independent, but want to spare them any unnecessary hurt or pain. We desire for them to choose wisely so they can avoid repeating our mistakes. We love unconditionally, and then we usher them out the door into a big, scary world.

I still have years before that day arrives in our home, but I can only imagine what that will be like. I got teary the first day I dropped the boy off at preschool for a mere 3 hours - HOURS! I can't imagine driving away from his dorm or watching him drive off with his bride. Neither of those events will change my love for my children or my desire to nurture them and protect them; yet, life requires that I loosen my hold. That begins even now.

I'm beginning to understand what my mom has been through. I'm beginning to understand why my mother-in-law worries about us so much. It's not that they think we can't do it or don't want us to be independent (I know they would much rather us be on our own than under their roof still dependent upon them), they simply love us...and every time they look at us, a myriad of memories surely floods their mind. They love us unconditionally and simply want to protect us from hurt and pain. Time has passed much too quickly, and I'm guessing they feel they might have missed some valuable moments.

I am thankful for my mom and Brenda who have daily done their best by me and Clay for over 30 years. They are not perfect, but I know without question they have given all they know how to give to their children.

Now I fall on my face before God begging Him to use me to love, teach, encourage, discipline, and challenge my handsome little man and two little princesses.

A mother's love - it is an impossible love...one that can only be done through the grace of God.

Celebration after celebration after celebration

May always begins with lots of celebration for our family…and all these celebrations involve little old me! We start the month with the birthday, followed by Mother’s Day, and cap it off with our anniversary on the 15th. Two weeks of lots of focus on me. Two weeks of showers of praise and blessings. It can be a bit overwhelming. Guess I didn’t think it through too thoroughly when we picked our wedding day (give a gal a break, Mother’s Day wasn’t really on the radar at that point)!

Let me tell you how much my husband LOVES this time of year. It’s a lot of pressure to make each day special and separate (although I’m honestly not too picky or upset if we combine the birthday and anniversary celebrations). To make matters worse this year, we’re watching every penny AND it’s our 10th anniversary. Poor man. Lucky for him gifts are not my love language. I’m just as content with some wonderful quality time and words from the heart. That more than fills my cup.

Lucky for him as well that I’m not a big fan of Mother’s Day. One might think I would be after longing for a child for so many years; but I’d rather you forget Mother’s Day and be nice to me the other 364 days of the year. Something about being a jerk (aka – unappreciative or unsupportive)more than you are not, but showering the one you love with accolades and gifts just because someone invented a day to celebrate mothers doesn’t really touch my soul. Same goes for Valentine’s Day in my book.

(Now birthdays and our anniversary = a different story. I don’t need diamonds or jewels or fancy trips, but you better not forget. I’m even flexible enough to celebrate on a different day – just acknowledge that you know it’s my/our special day. I honestly think I’m pretty easy to please in this area.)

So late yesterday afternoon when he asked what I might want for Mother’s Day, I drew a complete blank. Honestly, not having to think about what to feed everyone or have any part in preparation of any said meal and a nap would be what would make me feel like a queen on Sunday. He was not impressed with my answer. I think he might have been a little frustrated. I figured most guys would do somersaults to have such a simple request. I guess after 10 years I still surprise him at times - albeit rarely.

And he still surprises me too – a lot, honestly. (And I’m not just talking about the MANY times he jumps out from behind something to scare me. I still get scared after all these years, and he still gets such a kick out of my reaction. We are such children!)

When he and the kids got home from church last night, they came bearing gifts –

They were all so proud. Clay even got them to say “Happy Mother’s Day!” The boy picked out orange flowers, and the girl got purple (she also wanted orange, but Clay convinced her I needed 2 different arrangements). Aren’t they beautiful? While it’s a few days early, he wanted to take advantage of having the kids out alone (I needed some time off my feet last night so I skipped church). The kids talked about the flowers until they went to bed, and continued this morning.

I may not need accolades on Sunday or even some special gift – shoot, with the cost of cards these days, I’d rather you save the money – but I will say that hearing my precious children tell me they love me as they proudly presented their flowers melted my heart.

Struggling to find words

How I wish I was a poignant writer. I love to write, and I love to read the words others have written. I wrote a lot in junior high and high school, but allowed other things to crowd it out. A true external processor, I learn so much about myself as I release my heart and soul onto a page (or computer screen). I long to have the ability to move people with the words I write about the insight or revelations God grants me. I know I often edit myself too much (thanks to several journalism-type classes in college), and Clay says it's because I write like a talk and don't fully explore the English language. (Don't worry, this was not said in a hurtful way, but in the midst of a conversation about this very topic. I love that we can be so honest and still like each other! I digress...) Alas, I don't think writing is what God has called me to do. I am slowly accepting that, but secretly hope one day He will allow me to see my dream come to fruition

This weekend provided many moments of insight, analysis, struggle, joy, and acknowledgment, but words just don't seem to do any of it justice. It has been a bit of a surreal weekend in light of our current situation. I enjoyed dinners out, a movie, some retail therapy, and wonderful fellowship; and we didn't spend a dime out of our pocket thanks to money and gift cards from family and friends!!! We are blessed. So very blessed.

The waterfall of blessings astounded me. My roller coaster of emotions surprised me. My struggles frustrated and saddened me. Recognizing and accepting where God has brought me humbled me. The words shared by others, written and spoken, flattered me. Yet, I can't seem to find a way to truly portray it all on this page with mere text. Everything I write just falls short, seems hollow, or minimizes the impact on my heart and soul.

But there are four things I know how to share:

1. Healing is happening.

2. Even though they can be crazy and sometimes frustrating, I am blessed with my family - both here and far away.

3. My intimate friends are rare diamonds that beautify my life.

4. My God is God - no matter where I am. He loves me. He cares about what is going on, and He is at work regardless how strong or weak I may be at the moment.

Bring on 32

Thirty-two. Sounds so adult, doesn't it? I sure don't feel like an adult. Don't look much like one either I am told. Don't worry; I'm not sinking into a birthday depression. Actually I'm very ready for this year to be over. Thirty-one hasn't been such a stellar year. It was just weeks after turning 31 that we first heard big scary words used as possible explanations for the boy's quirks. Then we had drama with Clay's family - drama that hit hard and rocked our world in unexpected ways. The summer was full of figuring out how to walk new roads while trying to figure out what was really going on with our son. Things seemed to be settling down a bit after our much-needed vacation, the boy's all-important Child Study Center appointment saying he didn't fall on the autism spectrum, and as I got further into counseling. Then, BAM! My folks separated and divorced in a matter of months. All to be topped off with another personal trial and Clay finding himself unemployed April 1st. (Nice non-April Fool's joke, right?) Don't you wish you'd had my life over the past year? Yeah, me neither most days.

So bring on 32. Surely it has to be better, right? We said the same thing as we rang in 2009, but quickly learned that 2009 held it's own tough, unique challenges. I began to realize not long into 2009 that all this "fun" seemed to ramp up in May 2008 so I began looking forward to starting fresh on my birthday. We still find ourselves dealing with the ripple effects of all the drama of the past year and are still waiting to see where God takes us from this point; but tomorrow is a chance for a fresh start.

At least, that's how I'm viewing it.

As I think back to May 1, 2008, I hardly recognize the woman I was. I have grown immensely this year. Carrying baby #3 helps that a bit; but seriously, I do not approach life the way I did last spring. It's hard to capture in words the changes I feel and the changes others have noticed, but I guess I really am more of an adult than I was last year. Life's drama (mine or others') does not rock me as it once did. While I still ache over my often-weak faith, I know I am stronger and more dependent upon God than I have ever been in my life. I am more open, honest, and transparent with Him, my husband, my family and friends than I have ever been before. I have established healthy boundaries in many areas of my life that free me to live as God desires me to live.

And yet so much room for growth remains.

I long to spend less time in the valley this next year, but I am thankful for where He has brought me through this year's hardships. Even if that's where my path continues, I will be thankful that He will be with me each step of the way and that I will be all the better for it on the other side.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-3

"These (trials) have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." 1 Peter 1:7

So come on 32... I'm ready for you.