Chuck E. Cheese birthday

Isn't it everyone's dream to spend part of your 10th anniversary at Chuck E. Cheese's? I know it's mine. Five years ago we spent our anniversary night at the hospital waiting on some dear friends to welcome their first child (who took his sweet time to arrive in the wee hours of the 16th). Five years later, we helped him celebrate at one of the kids' favorite places (and this is only the 2nd time they've been)! I can't believe it's been 5 years!

The girl had a skeeball "incident" and that sent her into pout mode for about an hour. I caught it nicely on camera... She finally snapped out of it and smiled for me. "I hear it, Mommy," she says as she watches a train. The boys playing skeeball. Racing...Clay is so proud of this pic! Two pregnant ladies - Krista is due in about 2 weeks. I still have 3 months. Abby and Bethany enjoying a thrill of a ride! Ryan and Chelsea driving. Birthday cake! Chuck E. Cheese came out, and the boy about jumped out of his skin. Check out the look on his face! This is the girl checking out Chuck safely from the booth. She refused to get any closer. Sweet Lauren showing us how much she enjoyed her cake. Yeah, she's stained.

The magic "10"

Ten years ago tomorrow (May 15th) I pledged my life and love to one amazing man. It has been one adventurous ride with amazing highs, deep lows, and a lot in between. I am without words to truly express what it feels to have my best friend by my side and to love him more now than I did that day.

'Til death do us part, baby, I am yours.

Today's realization: I am completely at peace about moving if that is what God has for us - even if it takes us farther from all family.

THAT. IS. HUGE.

It's still not my first choice. Here has a lot of benefits: my birth family, precious friends, amazing church, the boy's school, amazing therapists, doctors I know and love, familiarity, comfort, and much more. Starting over is a bit scary. Finding a new church, new preschool, new friends, new doctors, and new therapists for the boy would be quite a daunting task. I can't even begin to fathom saying good-bye to my family and friends. Moving would be hard; but I realized today after talking about a job possibility which requires moving that I am completely at peace with it.

COMPLETELY.

**Let me clarify after some confusion...we aren't currently to the interview stage with any company that would require moving. Yes, he has been contacted for more information and such, but that is all at this point. We simply had a discussion today about one of those contacts that led me to this realization. I apologize for any acid in the gut or excitement caused by my vagueness. Now, for a smile, make sure to check out the previous post!

Can't wait for my girls to wear this $2.99 find...

An impossible love

I watched a little over half of the movie "Because I Said So" with Diane Keaton, Mandy Moore, and Lauren Graham last night. It's an interesting look at the mother/daughter relationship - a very appropriate choice for this Mother's Day weekend. Let me quote one of the many monologues by the mother (played by Keaton), Daphne:

"I want you to understand something about motherhood, okay? Okay? It is the most impossible love. You tell me when it ends. You tell me when it stops. All I know is it's absolutely fine for me to teach you how to walk and talk. Then you grow up and you head off in the wrong direction toward a cliff; and I'm supposed to just stand there and wave and go, 'Well, kids, good luck. It's Mom. I'm here.' Well, I can't do that. What am I supposed to do, huh? Am I supposed to just put my feet up at the end of the day and say to myself, 'Well, you know, they're on their own and she says she's fine'? Well, you won't be... now I'm just a visitor [in your life] with a limited day pass."

I can honestly say I would not have understood where she was coming from prior to becoming a mother myself. I, like many others I know, can get frustrated when my mother or mother-in-law seems to be too involved or asking too many questions. I have wondered if they realized I (or Clay) was grown up and fully capable of taking care of myself, my husband, and now children. I criticized the mothers of my friends that just couldn't seem to cut those apron strings.

Oh, I am beginning to understand.

Mothers pour their lives into their children. We sacrifice sleep, warm meals, time, and energy to care for these precious gifts God gives. We long to teach them to be independent, but want to spare them any unnecessary hurt or pain. We desire for them to choose wisely so they can avoid repeating our mistakes. We love unconditionally, and then we usher them out the door into a big, scary world.

I still have years before that day arrives in our home, but I can only imagine what that will be like. I got teary the first day I dropped the boy off at preschool for a mere 3 hours - HOURS! I can't imagine driving away from his dorm or watching him drive off with his bride. Neither of those events will change my love for my children or my desire to nurture them and protect them; yet, life requires that I loosen my hold. That begins even now.

I'm beginning to understand what my mom has been through. I'm beginning to understand why my mother-in-law worries about us so much. It's not that they think we can't do it or don't want us to be independent (I know they would much rather us be on our own than under their roof still dependent upon them), they simply love us...and every time they look at us, a myriad of memories surely floods their mind. They love us unconditionally and simply want to protect us from hurt and pain. Time has passed much too quickly, and I'm guessing they feel they might have missed some valuable moments.

I am thankful for my mom and Brenda who have daily done their best by me and Clay for over 30 years. They are not perfect, but I know without question they have given all they know how to give to their children.

Now I fall on my face before God begging Him to use me to love, teach, encourage, discipline, and challenge my handsome little man and two little princesses.

A mother's love - it is an impossible love...one that can only be done through the grace of God.

Celebration after celebration after celebration

May always begins with lots of celebration for our family…and all these celebrations involve little old me! We start the month with the birthday, followed by Mother’s Day, and cap it off with our anniversary on the 15th. Two weeks of lots of focus on me. Two weeks of showers of praise and blessings. It can be a bit overwhelming. Guess I didn’t think it through too thoroughly when we picked our wedding day (give a gal a break, Mother’s Day wasn’t really on the radar at that point)!

Let me tell you how much my husband LOVES this time of year. It’s a lot of pressure to make each day special and separate (although I’m honestly not too picky or upset if we combine the birthday and anniversary celebrations). To make matters worse this year, we’re watching every penny AND it’s our 10th anniversary. Poor man. Lucky for him gifts are not my love language. I’m just as content with some wonderful quality time and words from the heart. That more than fills my cup.

Lucky for him as well that I’m not a big fan of Mother’s Day. One might think I would be after longing for a child for so many years; but I’d rather you forget Mother’s Day and be nice to me the other 364 days of the year. Something about being a jerk (aka – unappreciative or unsupportive)more than you are not, but showering the one you love with accolades and gifts just because someone invented a day to celebrate mothers doesn’t really touch my soul. Same goes for Valentine’s Day in my book.

(Now birthdays and our anniversary = a different story. I don’t need diamonds or jewels or fancy trips, but you better not forget. I’m even flexible enough to celebrate on a different day – just acknowledge that you know it’s my/our special day. I honestly think I’m pretty easy to please in this area.)

So late yesterday afternoon when he asked what I might want for Mother’s Day, I drew a complete blank. Honestly, not having to think about what to feed everyone or have any part in preparation of any said meal and a nap would be what would make me feel like a queen on Sunday. He was not impressed with my answer. I think he might have been a little frustrated. I figured most guys would do somersaults to have such a simple request. I guess after 10 years I still surprise him at times - albeit rarely.

And he still surprises me too – a lot, honestly. (And I’m not just talking about the MANY times he jumps out from behind something to scare me. I still get scared after all these years, and he still gets such a kick out of my reaction. We are such children!)

When he and the kids got home from church last night, they came bearing gifts –

They were all so proud. Clay even got them to say “Happy Mother’s Day!” The boy picked out orange flowers, and the girl got purple (she also wanted orange, but Clay convinced her I needed 2 different arrangements). Aren’t they beautiful? While it’s a few days early, he wanted to take advantage of having the kids out alone (I needed some time off my feet last night so I skipped church). The kids talked about the flowers until they went to bed, and continued this morning.

I may not need accolades on Sunday or even some special gift – shoot, with the cost of cards these days, I’d rather you save the money – but I will say that hearing my precious children tell me they love me as they proudly presented their flowers melted my heart.

Struggling to find words

How I wish I was a poignant writer. I love to write, and I love to read the words others have written. I wrote a lot in junior high and high school, but allowed other things to crowd it out. A true external processor, I learn so much about myself as I release my heart and soul onto a page (or computer screen). I long to have the ability to move people with the words I write about the insight or revelations God grants me. I know I often edit myself too much (thanks to several journalism-type classes in college), and Clay says it's because I write like a talk and don't fully explore the English language. (Don't worry, this was not said in a hurtful way, but in the midst of a conversation about this very topic. I love that we can be so honest and still like each other! I digress...) Alas, I don't think writing is what God has called me to do. I am slowly accepting that, but secretly hope one day He will allow me to see my dream come to fruition

This weekend provided many moments of insight, analysis, struggle, joy, and acknowledgment, but words just don't seem to do any of it justice. It has been a bit of a surreal weekend in light of our current situation. I enjoyed dinners out, a movie, some retail therapy, and wonderful fellowship; and we didn't spend a dime out of our pocket thanks to money and gift cards from family and friends!!! We are blessed. So very blessed.

The waterfall of blessings astounded me. My roller coaster of emotions surprised me. My struggles frustrated and saddened me. Recognizing and accepting where God has brought me humbled me. The words shared by others, written and spoken, flattered me. Yet, I can't seem to find a way to truly portray it all on this page with mere text. Everything I write just falls short, seems hollow, or minimizes the impact on my heart and soul.

But there are four things I know how to share:

1. Healing is happening.

2. Even though they can be crazy and sometimes frustrating, I am blessed with my family - both here and far away.

3. My intimate friends are rare diamonds that beautify my life.

4. My God is God - no matter where I am. He loves me. He cares about what is going on, and He is at work regardless how strong or weak I may be at the moment.

Bring on 32

Thirty-two. Sounds so adult, doesn't it? I sure don't feel like an adult. Don't look much like one either I am told. Don't worry; I'm not sinking into a birthday depression. Actually I'm very ready for this year to be over. Thirty-one hasn't been such a stellar year. It was just weeks after turning 31 that we first heard big scary words used as possible explanations for the boy's quirks. Then we had drama with Clay's family - drama that hit hard and rocked our world in unexpected ways. The summer was full of figuring out how to walk new roads while trying to figure out what was really going on with our son. Things seemed to be settling down a bit after our much-needed vacation, the boy's all-important Child Study Center appointment saying he didn't fall on the autism spectrum, and as I got further into counseling. Then, BAM! My folks separated and divorced in a matter of months. All to be topped off with another personal trial and Clay finding himself unemployed April 1st. (Nice non-April Fool's joke, right?) Don't you wish you'd had my life over the past year? Yeah, me neither most days.

So bring on 32. Surely it has to be better, right? We said the same thing as we rang in 2009, but quickly learned that 2009 held it's own tough, unique challenges. I began to realize not long into 2009 that all this "fun" seemed to ramp up in May 2008 so I began looking forward to starting fresh on my birthday. We still find ourselves dealing with the ripple effects of all the drama of the past year and are still waiting to see where God takes us from this point; but tomorrow is a chance for a fresh start.

At least, that's how I'm viewing it.

As I think back to May 1, 2008, I hardly recognize the woman I was. I have grown immensely this year. Carrying baby #3 helps that a bit; but seriously, I do not approach life the way I did last spring. It's hard to capture in words the changes I feel and the changes others have noticed, but I guess I really am more of an adult than I was last year. Life's drama (mine or others') does not rock me as it once did. While I still ache over my often-weak faith, I know I am stronger and more dependent upon God than I have ever been in my life. I am more open, honest, and transparent with Him, my husband, my family and friends than I have ever been before. I have established healthy boundaries in many areas of my life that free me to live as God desires me to live.

And yet so much room for growth remains.

I long to spend less time in the valley this next year, but I am thankful for where He has brought me through this year's hardships. Even if that's where my path continues, I will be thankful that He will be with me each step of the way and that I will be all the better for it on the other side.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-3

"These (trials) have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." 1 Peter 1:7

So come on 32... I'm ready for you.

Hangin' round the house

Saturday night we had a great night at home. The boys grilled some steaks (I got a GREAT deal), venison tenderloin, and deer burgers. We've eaten well this week! Clay took the time to teach the boy the fine art of grilling, and the boy was in hog heaven! The girl relaxed in her swing enjoying the show. I took a moment to capture a picture with the boy - and it's evidence that I do have a growing belly. He was too interested in the grill to look at the camera, but I'll take what I can get.
Sunday afternoon the girl apparently thought the living room needed some tidying...so she got her vacuum out and got to work. I had to capture her moving the table and chairs and getting all the crevices along the wall (as I had done the day before). It was a little scary to see myself in action. She even put everything back in its place when she was done - that's my girl! She doesn't let her small stature stop her from what she's determined to do. I can just hear her saying, "Clean Mommy" when I asked her what she was doing (the picture of her face).

Spring Sing

The boy's preschool had their annual Spring Sing tonight. We had the joy of having most everyone join us for this fun event - Pop, Grannylou, Aunt Kristi, Kadyn and Dylan all took time to see why the boy loves his school so much. Spring Sing starts with a short program (about 30 minutes) where each age group sings followed by open house in the classrooms, refreshments, and the ability to play on the playground. Last year, the boy was frightened of being on stage - when he did stay on the stage (with me VERY nearby), he cried. This year we had a whole different story. He was so excited while the 4-year-olds were singing that he was practicing his song and kept telling his teacher he needed to sing. He wasn't even phased when he saw us from the stage. He sang loud and put all his energy into the motions. We are so proud! He has really grown up this year. He enjoyed taking everyone to his classroom, showing off his art work and introducing his friends. All the kids enjoyed the playground on the beautifully warm night. What a blessing WCP has been for the boy and for us...what a blessing to share it with family tonight...and now with all of you...

To keep the blog shorter, I posted the pictures small and right next to each other. Simply double click on them to see them larger. Here is a rundown of what you see - The girl and her friend ready to watch their brothers perform * So excited to finally have his turn on stage * "Hi Mom!!" * Excited to Sing * Singing * Clay and the girl watching intently (she was so captivated by it all) * Pop with all 4 grandkids * Grannylou (or Goo per the girl) with grandkids * Pop helped the girl with her cookie and juice - she greatly enjoyed being pampered * Kadyn & Dylan enjoying some of the activities * a family photo



Here are a few videos to enjoy... This is "The Hug Bug"...The words to the chorus are: The hug bug, the hug bug, you never know where's it's hiding. The hug bug, the hug bug, watch out! It's gonna hug you!



The next 2 videos are of the Chicken Dance. I couldn't choose just one to post! He REALLY got into this!!!

Sweet Jesus

We were introduced to a new song Sunday morning. It is simple. It is truth. I'm clinging to the first two lines as we walk this uncertain road. The reminder of what He has done for us and the promise of His return give me strength to hold my head high. It's not on playlist.com yet so I can't add it to my blog, but here are the words.


"Mystery" by Charlie Hall, 2008 (from The Bright Sadness CD)

Sweet Jesus Christ my clarity
Sweet Jesus Christ my sanity

Bread of heaven broken for me
Cup of salvation held up to drink
Jesus the mystery

Christ has died,
Christ is risen,
and Christ will come again.

Easter 2009

While their clothes aren't new (the boy is in hand-me-downs & borrowed clothes; the girl is in a dress she wore a lot last summer that still fits), I still took the traditional Easter morning pictures. I did catch a few good shots - as well as some where they hammed it up.

The kids were thrilled to see Pop this morning at church where we enjoyed worshipping our risen Lord. We headed home for an amazing brunch cooked by Clay and Pop (scrambled eggs, bacon, biscuits, and Pop's famous white gravy - YUM!)...and Clay even most of the clean up! The kids enjoyed playing with Pop - and now it's time for a good old Sunday afternoon nap before joining some friends for Easter dinner.

We pray your Easter has been filled with joy, loved ones, and mostly worship of the gift Christ gave.

Easter Egg Hunts

We've had 2 Easter egg hunts this week - Thursday at the boy's school and today at church. The boy didn't quite get into filling his egg carton at school (their great way to make sure all the kids get the same number of eggs) - his friend, Hannah, filled most of it for him. He did enjoy their party afterward though! I was also able to snatch a picture of him and his best bud at school.











Today was a much greater success. Both kids enjoyed putting eggs in their baskets (provided a couple of years ago by Mimi). They enjoyed a little bit of candy too before we headed home to rest. The girl is currently sleeping with her basket and a few eggs (minus candy), and the boy is really mad that we took the candy away and simply gave him empty eggs. He is ready for rest time to be over so he can have some more!

These last two are of the boy and his best gal pal - and our girl didn't want to be left out...