Passion

Per Merriam-Webster online, passion is, among other things,:

- intense, driving, overmastering feeling or conviction
- ardent affection
- an object of desire or interest

The synonyms mean intense emotion compelling action.

That is what I desire. Specifically passion for God. I read another's blog, and I sense her passion. I hear someone's story, and feel the passion. I feel that missing from life for me right now. You would think after all we've been through in the last couple of years I would be very passionate; however it's easy to feel the dailiness of life has sucked a lot of the passion out of me. This week, in particular, has been trying with varying degrees of illness among most of us. Most days I find the goal is simply making it to bedtime - the kids' bedtime no less.

Passion...that is what I long for, but fear asking God for more of it. Many of those I know with such intense passion have endured some insanely tough trials. Personally, I'm tired of the trials. I'm ready for those still waters and green pastures. But passion often comes from suffering.

Passion is what I desire. True, heart-aching, soul-burning passion.

What do I want more: tranquility or passion for God?

Needing to listen

I'm in a weird place right now. It's been a hard year, but the last few days God has gone ridiculously overboard reminding us how much He loves us, that He knows the cries of our hearts, and He hasn't forgotten us or the difficulty of the road we've been walking. It's a humbling place to be...to see His hand so evidently from the littlest things to the big things. I'm almost speechless if I weren't shouting His praises from the rooftop.

"Who am I that You are mindful of me? That You hear me when I call? Is it true that You are thinking of me? How You love me, it's amazing." (from Friend of God by Israel)

Anyway, here I am in utter amazement that He has opened the floodgates and sent us a downpour these last few days. He knew we needed it...and He spoke individually to me and Clay so we each got a personal taste. Isn't He good? No, He is indescribable. But I find myself still in the thick of a battle - a mental one. It's not a new battle, but it has been dormant a while. I'm not really surprised something reared it's head again, but it's exhausting all at the same time.

To top all that off, the path I felt God leading me down isn't taking the route I thought it would. I'm finding myself questioning if I mistook my own voice for His. Ever been there? A door opened. All things pointed in that direction, and peace flowed. But a few steps in, or maybe more, you find yourself a bit lost. The direction isn't as clear. His voice is now hard to hear. Did I do the right thing? Am I kidding myself? Should I turn back or keep walking? Surely I should know by now that my mental picture of how things will turn out isn't how God usually works; and I should surely know by now that His way is so much better. But even after all the times He's sent me to "life school" to learn these lessons, I find myself impatient and questioning when it's harder than I thought. I will say I'm not as quick to tuck tail and run, but I sure do start talkin'. Guess I should shut my mouth to ensure I don't drown out His.

"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the way; walk in it.'" (Isaiah 30:21)

Double 3's

I hit double 3s today...yep, 33. Solidly in my thirties, yet I feel about 17/18. C'mon, don't tell me you don't ever feel like you are just playing house?!?! It's not been some magical day, but it hasn't been bad either. Kids woke up early and still needed tending to. Got to have lunch with my mom thanks to our children's minister, and had a nice visit with my dad. Tonight was spent in the company of fellow preschool/children's teachers from church as we appreciated them for all they do throughout the year. Home again for the nighttime routine, and now we're slowly closing down the day.

Nothing to write home about, but it is a day in my life. A life I'm thankful to be living. A life that is hard. A life full of daily challenges and joys. A life full of laughter and heartache. A life overflowing, yet battling fears. God has been more than faithful for my 33 years, and I have been so not faithful. How humbled I am by His grace and mercy...and that He loves me so much that He puts me through the blazing fire to mold me into who He wants me to be. He so wants me a part of His plan that He is drawing me out of my comfort zone into something deeper, something more beautiful with Him. Wow. I'm anxious to see what this year holds and the sights I will along the journey, but selfishly I long for this year's road to reach a peak where I can sit and rest awhile.


Here are 4 reasons life is so blessed and so challenging... thanks to Claire for the hundreds of pictures from Easter weekend. (Check out her fan page on Facebook - Oh Susanna Photography) We are quite fortunate to have this amazing photographer in our family!

In business for myself

Well, I took a huge leap of faith last night and went into business for myself. SAY WHAT? Yep, I did. I'm now an independent consultant for Rodan & Fields Dermatologists. Dr. Rodan and Dr. Fields created Proactive Solution. Now they desire "to bring dermatology based skincare solutions to everyone."

I'm excited and a little scared. This is a new adventure for me, but one that I see God's hand all over. I learned about this opportunity last summer, but we were not in a position financially for me to explore it. I count it no coincidence that it was brought back to my attention within a week of us receiving a little financial breathing room. And we had already been discussing me possibly getting a part-time job to help out around here. After much prayer and a long chat with an old friend, we feel that this is the right time for this opportunity.

There are great products to explore, and I'm excited to jump in with both feet and learn all I can. If you want to learn more about taking care of your skin, please visit my website: https://kaciskipper.myrandf.com/ where you can take an inventory of your skin and get a customized skincare routine.

Here's to a new adventure!

It's confirmed

Miss E really is tiny...big brother called it right. We had her 3 year appointment the other day. Her impressive stats:

Weight - 23 lbs. 8 oz.
Height - 35 1/2 inches

She is now smaller than I was at her age; however I would like it noted that she is already over half my height (which is a lofty 58.75").

A doozie of a day

It's been a doozie of a day with our kids and their one-liners...

This morning we all ended up in the bathroom while Clay was getting dressed. Big J pointed to Miss E and said, "That's a small 3 year old." Why yes, son, it is, but where in the world did that come from?

Praying on the way to school today, Big J said, "Thank you God for helping me make good decisions. Help me to listen and obey my teacher. Help me and (Miss E) play steering wheel (aka Mario Kart) tomorrow. And Mommy and Daddy not yell at us or spank us." At least he's honest.

After dinner (during which Clay and I had a hard time keeping a straight face while correcting little Miss E), Clay said to her, "You're a stinker, and you seem to relish it." Her reply? "Yes, I do." Mercy, I think we're in trouble!

We've definitely laughed a lot today.

Much room for improvement

That's what any evaluation about any area of my life would say right now: much room for improvement. Wasn't it a mere 9 days ago that I talked about wanting to be better about jumping on here? Yeah, 9 days and no improvement. On the other hand, I console myself because there hasn't been much updating on FB either. I did post some adorable pictures, but I couldn't help showing off my knight and my princess after this weekend's birthday party for J's special gal (if she had her way, she'd marry our boy). She's already staking her claim...


I've only got a few moments, but wanted to acknowledge that our youngest is 6 months old today! 6 MONTHS! Where has it gone? Mercy, she has grown up so fast. And it seems to have all happened in the last 2 weeks. She isn't a fan of rolling over, but she can from tummy to back. She'd much prefer to just wriggle from her back to her side to turn herself around instead of rolling from her back to her tummy. She has become so observant and grabby. Necklaces, eyeglasses, earrings, drinking glasses, the remote, the phone...you name it, you have it, she wants it. She loves to sit up and is now doing well enough to enjoy the view from the front of the buggy.




Her world has really opened up. We tried a bath sitting up the other night, but I'm not sure I'll repeat it again until she's more stable. She got so excited she kept falling over and was so slippery it was hard for me to hang on. She is now on an awesome schedule (with a random night here or there). She eats at 9am, 1pm, 5 pm, and 8:30pm. She's flexible though so we can adjust those times with our schedule and everyone is happy. Randomly she wakes up early for a little snack, but it doesn't mess with the schedule too much. When not congested or bothered by teething, she is known to sleep for 9-12 hours. Awesome. Her naps would be better if we didn't have to get J to and from school. She LOVES solid food. Not a huge fan of green beans (who can blame her?), but likes most everything else we've tried. Her favs? Sweet potatoes and ANY fruit. She's making this adorable face now when she eats and is either displeased with taste or temp or when she's done. Too cute!



Okay, I really must go, but wanted to acknowledge today. There's so much more about her (she's laid back, she's now a mama's girl, and she LOVES her siblings), but I must stop for now. I'll be back...Miss E turns 3 on Sunday. Stop my heart.

Bad bad blogger

Wow - it's been like 3 weeks since my last post. This is getting ridiculous. Between 3 young kids, the "good" computer being gone most days, and plain laziness, the blog has greatly suffered. There just isn't the same time...and honestly, loading pictures here takes a lot more time than on FB. There are times I just want to share a brief story or comment...FB lends itself more to that. Guess I could do a short post, but I always feel so inclined to write more here. Or be eloquent. Or profound. Or funny. Or something other than just sharing normal, boring life. But who am I writing for anyway? I started this blog (almost 4 years ago- INSANE!) mainly for my inlaws and grandmother who live far away. I figured this was easier than emailing them pictures and stories. I also never knew who else wanted to know about our life; so I figured a blog would allow those who wanted to check in with us the freedom to do so at their own choosing instead of being forced to read my emails. I found it a great way to document life and process it as well (wonderful for us external processors). Even had a 2nd blog for a while to entertain my spiritual musings.

But as life has been a bit, um, challenging over the last 2 years, I found myself editing on the blog. Some things I wasn't ready to share. Some things were private family matters. Some things weren't mine to discuss in such a public format, but greatly impacted our family. This gal isn't too keen on sharing how many days I've raised my voice at the kids or wished I could have a couple weeks of vacation...only to have my heart melted by those same kids hours later. I want to brag on my kids, but don't want to be one of "those" parents. And with the tough times of the last couple of years, some of my insecurities have returned and I'm not much for putting myself out there to potentially be criticized (even if I never know it...I might think someone might think it. Crazy, I know. This gal needs some sleep.). And some things I hesitate to put in writing for fear it might come back to haunt me or a loved one might have me committed (one particular thought tonight lends itself to both of those!).

Anyway, I've watched the blog become more picture posting and basic facts. And lately I can't even keep up with that...no Christmas photos, no birthday party photos of Miss E who will be 3 in 2 weeks, no picture updates on the youngest who is almost 6 months (SAY WHAT? Where has it gone?).

What's the point of this rambling? I'm not sure. I can't sleep. I got a 2 hour nap today, and the hubs is out at game night. All 3 kids are asleep, and I find myself a bit lonely I guess. They are growing up too fast, and I'm still amazed at how much I love each one of those little guys at the other end of the house - even though J has become increasingly argumentative lately, E's need for my touch and attention can drive me batty, and McK isn't handling her current cold and possible teething well (thus giving me the chance to relive college with a semi-all nighter the other night and LOTS of screaming for a couple of days). I swell with pride as overnight my son has become a reader - at 4 1/2. I giggle with delight at my oldest daughter's singing and dancing - all of her own creation. I melt at my youngest's full-body smile. They are beautiful. They mostly look like their daddy and act like their mother - heaven help us! - and I fail them miserably each day. But then there are moments I catch a glimpse that they get it...when they tell me Jesus/God loves them more than Mommy or that God wants them to listen and obey or when they pray or when tell me they want to go to heaven to see Jesus - and Miss E tells me she can when Jesus lives in her heart. Maybe I'm not as bad of a mom as I often feel I am. Maybe I'm not wasting as much time as I thought (but there is a lot of wasting being done). Maybe I'm doing something right so that they know I love them even though I've yelled and spanked and lost my cool more times than I can count. Praise the Lord He's able to use this mess to reach their hearts.

I'll stop the madness for tonight. Bottom line (man, that sounds like my dad) - I hope to get back to blogging regularly soon, but let's not hold our breath on that one - we know we'd all pass out! Here's a few pictures to tide you over...

...and now hubs just walked in and is wondering WHAT THE CRAP I'm doing blogging at 1:30 am... his next question, "Are you alright?"

"Yes, honey, just one of those introspective nights."

It started with this almost 11 years ago when we said, "I do."

Now we've multiplied to this.

One of my all-time favs of me with my boy.

The girls - who've greatly increased the amount of gray I now cover.

5 months already?

My baby turns 5 months old tomorrow. She's sleeping in her crib for the first time tonight. It's way past time, but various reasons kept it from happening until now. Funny how I told Clay earlier today that it needed to happen soon or we would never get her out of our room...then when I decided just to take the plunge and do it, I found myself wanting to hold her longer while my heart ached that my baby is as old as she is. Everything with Mr. J was so special since we thought he may be our only child...the child we waited so long for. Miss E cried so much and slept so little that her first year of life is mostly a blur. Now, McK truly may be our last child. That possibility gives me pause so many times...like tonight. Will I ever have an infant sleeping in my room again? McK's at such a fun stage - she's becoming more aware of her surroundings each day and LOVES her brother and sister. Nothing makes her smile bigger. She's all about grabbing at whatever she can get her hands on and she's even sat up by herself! She's not rolled over yet, but her tummy time is limited thanks to her active siblings. After a few weeks of being a drama gal, she has relaxed into an easy-going chica. I can't believe she's been with us 5 months already!

The last few weeks have been full of pondering for me. If you've read my blog much at all, you know that dates often give me pause. I find myself reflective and often too analytical for my own good. The last few weeks are no different as we turned a leaf on a new year and marked some not-so-great anniversaries (not to mention the 25+ hours we spent driving!). 2009 was not a stellar year...honestly, the birth of McK and marking 10 years of marriage are truly the highlights of a pretty dark, stormy year. But through the storm, I've learned a lot about myself, my relationships, and most importantly, God.

Well, my musing has been interrupted by a little girl who woke up in an unfamiliar place.

Off to hold on to her infancy a little longer...

John Deere Party

Nothin' says boy like a John Deer birthday party - especially for a first birthday! We celebrated Cooper last Saturday at his grandparents' home. They have an awesome playroom, and everyone seemed to have a great time.

A rundown of the pictures:
Miss E was her usual shy self (only seen when others are around)...Miss McK found a new friend who made her laugh...Daddy would not be happy her new friend seemed to want a kiss... Miss E ready for some cake and ice cream... Big J blowin' his horn... the birthday boy... who wasn't that interested in his cake...until someone gave him a fork!... Miss E with Kristie...Kristie's son checking out who his mama is holding...my big kids enjoying the ice cream (surprisingly this time they skipped cake)...my country girls...

Sick and tired

The kids got hit with a stomach bug last night. We are thankful it is already gone, but the effects are still felt. Miss E and I pulled an all-nighter which is not all it was cracked up to be back in college! She wanted to rock with me so bad today, but I had a few things on my to-do list. She fell asleep waiting for me...melted my heart so I sat down to rock with her as soon as she woke up!

Exhaustion

Miss E battled a high fever Wednesday night. I gave her Motrin to help her sleep and it had the opposite effect. Sure she slept from 8 p.m. - 1 a.m., but we aren't sure she slept any after that. Clay put her back in bed, awake, at 3:30 a.m. At 4:45 she called out saying she needed to potty. She went, and 15 minutes later was up again ready for her day and breakfast. She ran strong (with a few moments of calmly sitting) most of the day, but finally crashed out about 3:30 p.m. in the arms of my mom's best friend. Pat came to help Mom pack up the house (she's moving in with Kristi tomorrow), and we got to visit Thursday afternoon. Miss E fought it hard...even waking with a start and an "uh, I don't think so" look when Pat tried to lay her back. Exhaustion finally took over and she got a good hour or so nap. Oh, to have the stamina of an almost 3 year old!

Christmas Dresses

Mimi bought the girls coordinating Christmas dresses before McK was even born. It was warm enough this past Sunday that we got to wear them without additional undergarments. Miss E wasn't too cooperative about taking pictures so I only have a couple of them individually. Aren't they adorable? They got LOTS of compliments!

Trying to get a shot of the whole dress*** McK's dress with her surprised look*** A fake smile*** A real smile