A little Willie

Clay is making sure the kids learn to love his taste in music as well - particularly Willie Nelson (he doesn't even rank on my enjoyable artists list). Here's a snippet of the girl making her daddy proud...

Listening, believing, and surrendering

God has had me on an intense journey for about a year now. There have been times of crisis, times of victory, times of pain, times of joy, and times of waiting all with the purpose of calling me deeper. I've had pinnacle moments throughout the journey - those moments that seem to mark a revelation or a change or a renewed commitment to follow Him deeper. Today was another one of those moments. God revealed a little more of Himself to me and gave me a glimpse of where our path goes from here - deeper into Him. Two songs rang in my head putting lyrics and music to what my heart was crying out. They are older songs with wonderful messages - fresh messages for where I am today. I've added both to my playlist below so you may enjoy them... "Voice of Truth" sung by Casting Crowns and "Completely" sung by Ana Laura. Will you listen, believe, and surrender with me?
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Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves.
To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is.
And He's holding out His hand.

But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me.
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed.
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again, 'Boy, you'll never win!'
"You'll never win."

But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says do not be afraid
And the Voice of Truth says this is for My glory
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a sling and a stone.
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand.

But the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed.
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again, 'Boy, you'll never win!'
"You'll never win."

But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says do not be afraid
And the Voice of Truth says this is for My glory
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth

But the stone was just the right size to put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high from on top of them looking down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus singing over me

But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says do not be afraid
And the Voice of Truth says this is for My glory
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth
I will listen and believe
I will listen and believe the Voice of Truth
I will listen and believe
'Cuz Jesus You are the Voice of Truth
And I will listen to You

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The secret of life is letting go
The secret of love is letting it show
In all that I do
In all that I say
Right here in this moment

The power of prayer is in a humble cry
The power of change is in giving my life
And laying it down
Down at Your feet
Right here in this moment

Take my heart
Take my soul
I surrender everything to Your control
And let all that is within me
Lift up to You and say,
"I am Yours and Yours alone completely"

This journey of life is a search for truth
This journey of faith is following You
Every step of the way
Through the joy and the pain
Right here in this moment

Take my heart
Take my soul
I surrender everything to Your control
And let all that is within me
Lift up to You and say,
"I am Yours and Yours alone completely"

Right here, right now
And for the rest of my life
Hear me say:
Take my heart
Take my soul
I surrender everything to Your control
And let all that is within me
Lift up to You and say,
"I am Yours and Yours alone completely"
"I am Yours and Yours alone completely"

Friends

Is this not adorable? The kids love when Ms. Abby gets to watch them while I have things to do. They have been known to ask to go to her house at any random moment. All the boy could talk about today was driving the pink jeep. Abby caught this adorable picture of our two youngest sharing some giggles. It reminds me of me and her mama. I have been immensely blessed with some amazing friendships in this city. I can only pray that my girls will have the joy of experiencing the same thing throughout their life.

No more Tuesdays

This afternoon the boy and I said good-bye to two precious ladies that have been a big part of our life for the last 8 months...Gwen and Taylor. They have been the boy's occupational therapists helping him with various skills (gross motor, fine motor) and his sensory issues. We first met with Gwen until Taylor joined their team. The boy transitioned easily from one to other and LOVED going to see them each Tuesday after school. We owe these ladies a lot - our boy has come so far in these last 8 months.

Gwen

Taylor

I lift up my eyes to the hills - where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip - he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you - the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm - he will watch over your life;
The Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forever more.

Psalm 121



Lord, may you answer me when I am in distress; may your name, O God of Jacob, protect me. Send me help from the sanctuary and grant me support from Zion. Remember all my sacrifices and accept my burnt offerings. "Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God. They are brought to their knees and fall, but we rise up and stand firm. "

Psalm 20:7-8 (verses 1-3 adapted as a personal prayer in italics)

Putting it in action

No less than 24 hours after reaching the mountain peak yesterday, I was handed the opportunity to put my words into action. Will I really trust Him no matter where He takes me from here? Will I really welcome the shadows, dark clouds, or deep forest? Will I lean on Him instead of my own abilities to maneuver the steep, rocky places? Oh how I hope He finds me faithful on the journey.

Our God is big. Our God is faithful. Our God is no less God today than He was yesterday.

I just would have preferred to remain on the mountain peak a little bit longer.

To God be the glory

"...being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

I've been on a journey, and today I stand on a mountain peak. The air is crisp and my soul is able to breathe in the sights around me. I look back over the journey God asked to me to join Him on, seeing the larger picture for the first time, and recognize that it is ONLY by His hand that I am able to stand where I stand today. Those dark moments when I felt I couldn't breathe are now merely small shadows surrounded by His light. The rock walls that left bodily scars reveal the presence of His hand protecting me from falling. I swell with pride because this terrain leaves no room to think I had anything to do with where I am today. He chose the path, led the way, and He never left me alone.

I look ahead to the unknown journey before me noticing that some parts of the path are rocky and steep while other parts wind through calm meadows. Some parts are lit brightly by the sun while other parts are hidden in the shadows or deep forest. I do not know all that the road ahead holds, but I know that I will walk it differently after standing on this mountain peak today. I am stronger, I am more trusting, and it is not the result of anything I have done. It is all because of His grace and for His glory.

He who began a good work in me WILL be faithful to complete it...REGARDLESS what comes.

Pink continues to invade our home...

It's a GIRL!!!!

She's healthy & beautiful... we are so very blessed.

None but Jesus

In the quiet, in the stillness
I know that You are God
In the secret of Your presence
I know there I am restored

When You call I won't refuse
Each new day again I'll choose

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

In the chaos, in confusion
I know You're Sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will

When You call I won't delay
This my song through all my days

All my delight is in You Lord
All of my hope, all of my strength
All my delight is in You Lord Forevermore

(None but Jesus by Hillsong United)

Authenticity please

I just read an awesome blog post on Baby Bangs about being real. (Click on Baby Bangs to read it.) Amanda speaks such truth here - a truth I have been learning since high school - we need to be real with each other. Before I go any further, I must confess that I am still guilty of pulling my mask out of the closet on various days. I'm better than I used to be, but sometimes it just seems easier.

I remember the first time I was really real with my youth group - it was summer 1993 during Centrifuge at Glorieta. Thanks to Dad's job, I'd already been there for 3 weeks. My youth group came the week I was supposed to be headed home. I stayed and got to do 'Fuge the "normal" way. God really got a hold of me that week. At the beginning of the week I found myself very low (a bit surprising since I'd been doing Christian camp for 3 straight weeks - that usually provides such a "high"). At the end of my sophomore year I had been deeply hurt by some friends, and trying to make friends at camp just magnified everything I was already feeling. I was at a point where I felt no one cared about me. I felt completely worthless. My spiritual mentor, Doug, came to me at the end of the first night and shared that he could tell something way wrong. He said he was praying for me and that he loved me. It wasn't enough to break through the pain. I basically gave God one day to prove I was worth anything to Him. I didn't have a plan if He didn't come through, but I recall feeling like no one would notice if I left campus to start a new life in Santa Fe (give me a slight break, I was only 16). Sure enough, God came through in a BIG way the next day. He spoke directly to my heart through many avenues so I could not shrug any of it off as mere coincidence. I finally got how much God loved me and cared for me. I saw my beauty because I was created in His image - and that HE crafted me with His own hands with this mix of personality, strengths and weaknesses all for His glory. A few days later I shared my story with my youth minister, and he asked me to share it during devotion that night. I was nervous to be so honest, but I also knew I needed to be real. I was amazed at the response I got. So many sharing that they never thought I struggled and I always seemed to have it all together. Little did they know the truth... To think back now about the pain and loneliness that might have been avoided if I'd spoken up sooner... and if only I had truly learned my lesson about being authentic at that young age.

I've thought a lot about authenticity over the last 6-8 months. Through some life situations, I found myself in counseling dealing with a lot of the muck I'd allowed to take root in my life. (Wow - big step for me to admit that in such a public way - I hate not being able to take care of something myself, but I'm learning to be honest about when I need some help!) We began to dig past the surface to what was really in my foundation, and I was surprised by a lot of what I found there. With God's help, I got real with myself and Him. We've done a lot of tilling, weeding, pruning, and replanting in the garden of my heart and soul. As I've become more authentic with myself, I think I've become more authentic with those around me. It is a fine line to walk - I desire to be honest about my struggles, but there are some things that aren't for public knowledge. There is a gracious way to share that life isn't perfect without divulging too much information (in some situations, I'm still learning about that gracious way). I tell you, being real has been so freeing for me, and I've seen the blessings poured out on my relationships too.

I've learned in various ways lately that when we are honest about our struggles, we find we are not alone. As Amanda writes, it allows us to be encouraged by others who've been there before and come out on the other side. It allows us to minister to each other. It allows us to let ourselves off the hook because we aren't comparing ourselves to some perceived perfection in another person. We all have our junk. We all have our pet sins. We are all selfish and often self-righteous.

And we all need the same grace from the Savior.

Movin' on up

The girl moved in to her big girl bed today. We (Clay) finally finished the painting project and assembled it this morning. She was SO excited! She even said she wanted to skip lunch and just take a nap. That didn't last as she got up to play and then was sad to learn she was gated in the room. She never did sleep this afternoon, but I think that was to our benefit tonight. She was excited at first, but quickly got sad. We talked to her a bit, took away the pillow, and gave her the pacifiers. She was out shortly thereafter - even snoring! Hopefully the rest of the night will go smoothly too. We'll work on saying goodbye to the pacis after she's a little more secure in her new spot.

I'll try to grab a picture another night of all her "friends" that sleep with her - the pink monkey, Buster, 2 small plush baby dolls, a bigger baby, 4 bottles, a burp cloth (aka baby's blanket), 2 blankets (in addition to the one in the pictures) and 4 pacifiers. There's hardly any room for her!


(Pardon the green pillow case. I realized today I hadn't ever bought a matching one, and so we had a choice of green or blue. We thought she'd want a pillow like her brother, but we were wrong... so now it's no big deal!)

We were part of the masses that attended the zoo this week. Since Aunt Kristi, Kadyn, Dylan, and Grannylou were on Spring Break, we thought it was a great way to spend a day together. They don't have the privilege to go whenever they want - and our passes got them in for a bit less than normal. We spent 4 hours checking out the animals, battling the crowds, and enjoying each other. It was so crazy that I didn't take many pictures - actually only at lunch. I'm not sure how many more times we'll go - I was so winded pushing a double stroller while pregnant. And if the March weather is any indicator of what the summer will be like, I doubt I'll want to brave the outdoors unless I'm sitting in the pool.






This is an action shot that Clay thinks is hilarious. The boy would NOT stand still for a picture!

"D" day -

Today is one of those days that feels like it needs some comment; but what kind of comment has me baffled.

Today I am officially a child of divorce. (That doesn't sound right since I'm almost 32 - should I say an adult child?) Regardless, my parents divorce became a reality today, and there aren't really words to summarize the day. It has been such a whirlwind - they only decided to separate in mid-November - so today almost feels surreal. I wasn't at the courthouse to hear the judge speak it into being so it's easy to feel like it didn't really happen. But it did.

The sadness is great. Life as I knew it no longer exists. I know things will continue to evolve as we move further from tomorrow. The rawness will disappear, the scab will form and fall away, and we’ll see what this new path really looks like.

I long for healing for all of us. One day at a time. One step at a time.

Love/Hate

Just like all siblings, they have such a love/hate relationship. One minute they are pestering each other; then within seconds they are belly laughing together. They love to tickle each other, race, see who can scream louder, roar like lions, color together, jump on Daddy, slide, and many other things. They trade off who is the leader of the gang, and the other often readily follows. The girl admires her brother so much and wants to do just like he does. He thinks she is pretty funny. It's not all roses though - especially when one of them wakes up on the wrong side of the bed. While it's fun to scream or roar one minute, the next minute finds the girl scared or with hurt feelings. Either one can decide they no longer want to be touched or bothered which results in screaming and crying. None of this surprises me. I am a younger sister and this just comes with the territory.

Two things lately have caught me off guard in regard to these two:
1. We've gone to the park twice this week with friends, and both times they've spent more time playing with each other than the friends they were so excited to see. I'm glad they enjoy each other, but they can play together whenever they want. I often go to the park to give them a change of pace and people. It just makes me laugh. The boy even turned down his precious best girl friend to climb the slide with his sister today! I'm thankful they have bonded so well, and we hope this continues over the years. We would love to know they have each others' backs no matter what.

2. On a lighter note, I've been surprised at how early the boy has become the pesky older brother. I knew it would come - the taunting and teasing just to get a rise out of her. I just didn't know it would start at a mere 3 1/2. He gets such a kick out of chasing her, roaring like a lion while she runs away screaming. He touches her after she tells him to stop. And just yesterday when she asked for the Aquadoodle crayon, he grabbed it and promptly sat on it... cackling heartily. Clay and I have a hard time not laughing even as our daughter wails heartbroken or tortured. If he's this bad at 3 1/2, heaven help us as he gets older and more creative.

What kind of fun will we have once we add another to the mix? Guess we'll know better once we hopefully find out the gender next Wednesday!

When will it end?

I'm so frustrated and tired. I am sick and tired of watching the evil around me prevail. I am tired of watching the effects of living in a fallen world. It seems so prevalent right now - divorce, losing jobs, struggling marriages, illness, depression, anger, fighting, rebellion and the list goes on. I am so ready for Satan to be bound and thrown into the fire, for the pain and suffering to end, and for our tears to be wiped away. I long to stand in His glory face to face with our Savior - no pain, no heartache, no worries, no tears, no fears. Yes, in the midst of all the madness, I have seen God working and blessing - providing for specific needs, healing marriages, healing wounds, restoring relationship with Him, and doing what seems impossible - but it is easy to forget these things if I am not diligent to keep my eyes focused on Him and His character.

Lord, help me focus on who I know You to be. Continue to teach me about Who You are. Help me in my unbelief, and give me the faith and trust I need each day.

1097

1097...that's how many days ago it was when I started this blog.

I planned to post something insightful and reflective yesterday to commemorate the birth of this baby, but I chose to nap instead. Forgive me.

I would attempt it today, but I am so NOT in an insightful, reflective mood. I could easily whip up a lot of sarcasm, rudeness and complaining, but I will refrain. That is not a picture I would like to have permanently recorded.

Think I should get off the computer and go seek God's face...

Happy Birthday, Pop!

We gathered for lunch at Fuddruckers to celebrate this special day since Dad has to work tonight. We all enjoyed some good food and fun. I am so glad we are just down the road to celebrate special moments together...especially with life changing this year.

Happy Birthday, Dad. I hope this next year brings lots of hope and blessings. I love you.

The girl giving Pop a birthday hug... the boy fascinated with the bread making machine... the girl and Aunt Kristi - who got lots of litle girl lovin'!... Kadyn & Dylan helped Pop open his cards... do you think the boy is Clay's mini-me?... the boy asked me to take a picture... the girl and all her stuff on the way home... this is what happens when the boy gets up at 6:30 a.m. going full steam (he's been sleeping until 8:00 or later since DST)!

Redneck trampoline

Choo-chooing through another birthday party

We had a great time at Abby's 2nd birthday train party last weekend. One of our local parks has a miniature train that takes a long 45 minute ride. The kids had a blast as the pictures tell the story well. There are a lot, but there are so many adorable ones it's hard to choose (and some people far away that love all the pics). Sadly I didn't get any pics of the birthday girl, but click on her name for more pictures of the fun.

The girl and her buddy giving priceless looks - model face and "surely you don't think this cute little thing did it!" - and then enjoying a hug... the boy ate the icing on his cupcake by scraping it off with the train ring found on top (it took him FOREVER but was relatively a clean way to eat it)... the girl lovin' on daddy and mama (post a good cleaning after totally enjoying a cupcake)...

After enjoying cupcakes, the kids got their goody bags which contained conductor hats, bandannas, train whistles and suckers. The first pic shows our little hoarder (she is often found with 17 things in her arms as she walks around)... the girl wondering how her brother is making the train whistle... refusing to look at me for a picture... "Mom, I think the hat is a little too big!"... group picture attempt (notice the girl isn't happy I walked away)... "What is wrong with you now?" the boy is asking.

After all that fun, it was time to head to the train. We enjoyed the ride with some of our best friends...and what great photo ops! Daddy and the boy having fun while waiting... the girl keeping watch... here's the engine... seated and ready to roll... mama and my girl... Kristina and the two girls... the girl and Zack (boy does she love him)... the boys enjoying the view from the back during the pit stop...the girl showing off her train ring...the boy not wanting to smile for a picture with mama...Zack ended up with all 4 kids on the back row for part of the trip back...attempting to get a picture of all the kids.

Learning Chinese

Wednesday night at church a missionary to China visited the boy's class to talk about the country. She taught the kids a few simple phrases in Chinese (hello, thank you, etc.). His teachers commented how well he repeated the phrases (thank you, Kai-lan - this is a show on Disney channel if you have no idea what I'm talking about).

At the very end, the missionary asked the kids one last time, "How do you say thank you in Chinese?"

Our sweet boy quickly replied, "Thank you in Chinese."

They couldn't really argue -