FYI: I'm selfish

I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep. Really I just can't turn my brain off (and my hubs smells like Bengay), and I process much better externally. So I thought I would flesh it out here and I'm going to try my best not to edit myself (very challenging for this consummate self-editor). So bear with me if this makes no sense, seems juvenile or hits you the wrong way. This post is basically to get this stuff out of my brain - and I type faster than I write.

There's a recurring two-part lesson in my life: I am selfish, and life is not about me.

I've been through God's lesson plans before on this topic; but just when I think I've got a good handle on it, He peels back another layer for me to explore.

I am one intensely selfish human being. I look at most of my life through lenses of how to make myself comfortable, how to take the easy road, and how to make sure I look good doing it (or at least have others nod approvingly). In reality though - life is not about me. It isn't about how I can be most comfortable or how I can be the best or look good to others. It was a rude awakening to me one day in the midst of a pity party about how someone else didn't seem to really care about me that said person had her own life. It wasn't that she didn't care about me, it was simply that she had more important things at that time (ie. her family). She didn't schedule her world around me (say what?). She didn't wake up thinking about how her life would affect me. She focused on the tasks in front of her that day and on the people God placed under her care. It was a rude awakening to me that a certain trial (take your pick of which one - big or small) in my life may not be about me at all. I don't know the reason why, but there are plenty of possibilities that don't include me at all. Sometimes God uses one of His vessels to get the attention of another. Perhaps I needed to walk that road so my husband would surrender one more part of himself. Perhaps it was so my father would fall more deeply in love with God. Perhaps it was so a friend would be encouraged in her own walk. Perhaps it was so someone I don't know would hear about God as one of my friends shared my story. Only God knows. He's what life is all about anyway, right?

I shouldn't take it all so personally, but unfortunately I often do. Less than I used to, but still more often than I should. When someone else succeeds, it isn't to spite me. When someone else gets recognition, it isn't because I don't deserve it. When someone else looks better than me, it isn't because God didn't love me as much. When someone else gets something I want, it isn't because He doesn't want to bless me too. Because it isn't about me. It's about what will bring Him the most glory. He is about His master plan - to seek and to save that which was lost. It isn't about my happiness or my contentment or my comfort. It isn't about my popularity, my achievements, or my agenda. It's about Him, His love, His grace, His mercy.

How much easier life would be if I could remember that in the midst of my day instead of in the wee hours of the morning!

Hi, I'm Kaci. I'm recovering from selfishness; please be patient as I try to remember that life isn't about me.