Transformation

You would think I would be relishing sitting in a quiet house this evening; but, alas, I find it quite intimidating. Both children are currently sleeping (but that shouldn't last too much longer as feeding time is approaching), my husband is meeting with his accountability partner, and our satellite is broken. It is truly quiet here. Lately, I seek out moments like this during often harried days. J is getting closer to being two so his desire to exert his independence and opinion continues to increase thus raising the number of battles we experience. Most anyone would say E is colicky based on the hours and intensity of crying we often get to hear (she does have a great set of lungs and endurance - on the up side). And sadly, the TV is usually on as background noise or a way to escape. But when the satellite went out this afternoon and I learned that we have to wait on a technician to assess the problem (that won't be until Wednesday morning), I became frantic...sadly revealing my dependence upon the big box in our living room (or the smaller one in the bedroom) to entertain and escape. What would I do tonight after Clay left? How will I get a shower tomorrow (I occupy J with a show so I know he won't get into something shouldn't)? We'll miss our beloved 24! Clay won't be able to watch the game tomorrow night! Wednesday...what will we do? Just this afternoon I was thinking about how I don't have time to read anymore, and now given that chance it is not what I want to do. I've filled the silence with a phone conversation and perusing the Internet.

For some reason, the silence scares me tonight. My guess? God has been speaking loudly to me about being transformed and seeking holiness. He has been frank about the masks I wear and how I often live each day out of what I think will please others. The silence brings conviction and forces me to look in the mirror. I don't like what was revealed about my heart today through the satellite situation. I don't like the fear I see inside that others may find out I am not what they think I am - my house isn't perfectly clean, I have junk drawers, and a thousand projects uncompleted - and that's just the tip of the iceberg. What if they learned how I battle being judgmental? What if they learn about my pride? What if they learn about the grudges I still hold on to? What if they learn how shallow my quiet times can be? What if they learn how well I throw a pity party? What if they learn about the dichotomy that exists inside my soul? What if they learn how frustrated I can get with E's crying? The silence pushes me to tackle these questions and others - about what I really believe about God, about my lack of faith, and about why I am not living from my heart.

I am a new creation in Christ. The old is gone. The new has come. But have I really been transformed? Doubtful. I've made some cosmetic changes over the years and I always know what I should say/do to appear to be godly; but I don't know how much of my heart and mind I have truly given over to be transformed. As John Eldredge writes so well about, transformation is what draws us to the story of Beauty and the Beast, the Ugly Duckling, and the Wizard of Oz. "A creature that no one could bear to look upon is transformed into a handsome prince. That which was dark and ugly is now glorious and good...They are all transformed into the very thing they never thought they could be...Is it not the most beautiful outcome of any story to be written? Perhaps that is because it is the deepest yearning of the human heart...Why is [transformation] an essential part of any great story? Because it is the secret to Christianity, and Christianity is the secret to the universe." "You must be born again (John 3:7). You must be transformed. Keeping the Law, following the rules, polishing up your manners - none of that will do." And yet, that is what I have been doing for years. And that is the problem - as Eldredge states. We still believe that our hearts are wicked even though we have placed our hope in Christ - and that is a misdiagnosis. "And so long as we believe that our hearts remain untouched, unchanged, we will pretty much lived untouched and unchanged. For our heart is the wellspring of life within us." And unlike the Beast, we must be transformed by the renewing of our minds. This is an ongoing action not a one time *SHAZAM*. This means I need to dive into God's Word and chew on it. Not just swallow it whole, but taste every morsel and let it truly soak into my heart, mind, and soul. I one day want to be that which I never thought I could be. I will never experience that to its fullness here on earth, but each day I can take a step or two closer as I become more and more like Him.

This means I need to let go of my agenda. I need to stop worrying so much about pleasing others. I need to stop obsessing over whether you will approve of my choices. I need to stop comparing myself, my life, and my kids with those around me. I need to stop rationalizing my decisions to those around me. I need to stop reliving mistakes and seeking reassurance of forgiveness already granted. And the list goes on...

Transformation. Holiness. I want these to be the desire of my heart. That means I need to spend a lot more time in the silence. That scares me a bit, honestly. I know I won't always like what I find there, but I long to be like Him...and He is holy.