Bring the rain?

I am almost speechless and yet I feel compelled to share...God is breaking my heart and I am so humbled. I've spent time today reading about a woman and her baby that I don't know (http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com), and I am moved to tears. Last night I watched part of the Primetime special on The Last Lecture, the story of Randy Pausch. Would I walk these roads with such grace and trust? Would I hold my head up high or bury my head in the sand? I fear the latter is where I would be inclined to go.

I think back over my life - such a charmed life - and realize that up to this point, I've not been asked to walk an incredible harrowing road. Sure, life hasn't been perfect, but can I really complain? NO! No, my folks weren't perfect. They fought. I didn't always have everything I wanted, but I never lacked anything. My sister and I hated each other for years. I was hurt by friends. I felt rejection. My heart was broken - and I know I broke some along the way. I battled self-acceptance (still do) and a need for the approval of others. But I know that there are many who would give anything to live the life I have. I don't say that in a pious way, but with humility. How often I take it all for granted. My parents are still together. My sister and I are now friends. I was able to go to the college of my choice where I met an amazing man. This man has refused to leave my side even when I've been completely unlovable. This man encouraged me to take the job I wanted even though it meant less money and longer to pay off debt. We bought our first house on our third anniversary. We are members of an amazing church that challenges my lack of evangelistic focus. We have friends to walk through life with - friends who drop things at a moment's notice to be there if we need it. Friends we want to drop life for when they hurt. I know this is rare. My folks live down the road. We have two healthy children. I get to stay home with my children, and the material sacrifices for me to do that aren't noticed. Charmed, I tell you. Charmed.

So as I walk along dark roads with friends and read about the struggles others have, I wonder why not me. And then I wonder if I would be able to walk those roads with the same grace and trust that I see them have. In many ways, I fear our short road of infertility was my big test, and I know I failed. I failed miserably. My moments of trust and complete abandon of my desires to His were few and far between. I was a roller coaster of emotion and angry more times than I wasn't. I tried to put on a brave face, but deep in my heart I wasn't okay with where God was taking us. Little did I know the blessings He had in store - blessings at the right time. He constantly has to raise my head hung in shame for the way I treated Him.

Some days I want a do-over. I want to be able to try again to show God how much I've learned to trust Him in the last few years. At least I think I trust Him more. I want to bring Him glory instead of focusing on my own hurt and pain. But can I honestly ask God to bring rain into my life to deepen my relationship with Him? Am I willing to accept whatever road He has for me if it means more intimacy with Him? What if the road He needs to take my husband or children on requires hardship? How I want to want all that He wants. How I want to be completely His; but when I am honest with myself, my desires often hold contingencies: As long as you don't take ____. As long as my kids are healthy and safe. As long as it has a happy ending. As long as I can still be comfortable.

I want more intimacy. I want more daily dependence upon Him. I want to fall in love all over again. I want my husband to fall in love with God all over again. I want my kids to fall madly in love with God early in life. I want...but am I willing to walk whatever road it takes for us to get there? Honestly, I'm not sure I'm willing to walk whatever road. And that saddens me. I'm praying my heart will soon be able to pray with all honesty and sincerity the words from a song by MercyMe:

Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days when this life brings me pain
but if that's what it takes to praise You.
Jesus, bring the rain.