So random

It's 1:51 a.m. and I can't sleep. I'm sitting in the pitch black, minus the glow of the laptop, next to my comatose husband (good thing since he has to leave in 5 hours) trying to tire myself into sleep. I'm guessing the 2 hour nap I took today wasn't the best idea - but it sure felt good. I've tried my usual tricks, and nothing has worked. My mind can't stop and that is a dangerous thing for me - especially when the lights go out. I am thankful that the thinking isn't producing chest-gripping fear, but there are definitely plenty of unknowns for my vivid imagination to explore. Tonight it's been mostly about the details of finances as we find ourselves 2 months since the last official paycheck and embarking on a new career journey. Throw in the fact that I am 31 weeks pregnant today and that'll really stir up the waters. My God is big and supplies all our needs - man I wish I could rest in that every moment of every day. I hate it when my flesh takes over. I am much less of a control freak than I used to be...these last 2 months have looked nothing like 8 years ago when Clay found himself without a job (and we had the "security" of my full-time job and no kids at that time). I was a wreck thanks to such infantile faith. I'm thankful I've grown; but mercy, I would think I wouldn't question a thing after all my God has done for us and others I know. O Lord, help me in my unbelief!

I should so be sleeping right now. The kids will probably wake up in 5-6 hours...we'll attempt more pictures with Aunt Claire before she hits the road...and then I'm on my own with them after a very full and fun weekend. They've been staying up late, playing hard, and had the undivided attention of their aunt who loves them immensely. It's been a good weekend.

Did I mention our newest addition will arrive in like 9 weeks? If this one is like the last one, it's more like 7. THAT'S INSANE!

I-N-S-A-N-E!!!!

The first trimester seemed to drag along as we kept our mouths shut waiting until Christmas to tell family and friends. Then it seems like I blinked and we were in the 3rd trimester. I'm ready to meet her. It hit home when we visited some dear friends in the hospital after they welcomed their second daughter into the world. I am ready for those little toes...the tiny cries...the ball she will be in the first weeks before she realizes she can stretch out. I'm ready to see what she looks like and what her personality will be. I'm ready for the sweet moments in the middle of the night when everyone else is asleep. I'm ready to watch the girl be a big sister (she's already such a little mama) and capture pictures of the boy and girl holding their new sister. We don't have any pictures of the boy holding the girl...he was too young to understand or care about her really. This time will be totally different. (And I guess I'll have to figure out new things to call them on the blog since there will be 2 girls.) I am ready...but obviously want her to wait until at least July 19th when I'm 37 weeks. And there is so much to be done around here...cleaning out the boy's closet so I can move stuff from the girls' closet into it to make room for baby clothes. The baby clothes that are still in boxes in the attic - along with the all the other paraphernalia that will be "needed"! But I will definitely miss feeling her move inside me - that connection that only she and I share. She's been so different than the other two and that has been quite fun. This pregnancy has been tougher in a lot of ways (thanks to a lot of external stress), but I truly do enjoy being pregnant. I enjoy the excitement, the wonder, and the unique connection I have with my child. Sure I would love to skip constantly being hot, swelling feet and hands, the hormones, the heartburn, the joint pain, but it is so worth it. I am still amazed that I've gotten to do this 3 times...and even more amazed that we can even discuss if there will be more (my hubby is eager to continue to add to our brood, but I am a bit more reserved!)!!!! To think that 5 years ago we were starting to see fertility specialists after initial attempts by my OB and other docs proved unsuccessful.

See - my God is BIG and I should so trust Him more than my feeble mind and heart often do.

I couldn't understand all those years ago why He hadn't given us a child, but looking back I see such wisdom in His plan - and that is only from the minute perspective I have. He knows what is best for me, and I long to rest in that continually.

"There is none so high and holy.
King of Kings the One and Only
You are adored
And You are the Lord of all."

Wow - I've been all over the map tonight, but I've just been downloading a lot of what's in the brain (minus some details)...maybe now I can get some sleep...if only my brain had an off button like this computer.